Pagan Consent Culture Reflection 2: Consent, Consensus, and Compassion

In her article on Matriarchy and Consent Culture, Yeshe Rabbit discusses the imbalances of power common to patriarchal systems that concentrate power in top of their hierarchy. Traditional models are a pyramid: the largest group being the producers of power at the bottom, followed by the consumers of power in the middle, and topped by the Arbiters of Power (Rabbit, 2008, p.  33). In this model, the producers hold the majority of the power, but a culture of fear cultivated over decades or even generations keeps them from exercising this power. 

In a system like ADF with a consolidation of power in the top tier of the organization, there is little room for the voices of the folk with less power. Even when given opportunity to speak, they are often held back by their own fears of rejection and lack of hope in being heard, leading to silence as the form of consent for status quo. This is common when an organization belongs to a society with a similar structure. As Rabbit (2008) points out, “when pagans enter into spiritual relationships under a patriarchal system of power-over, in the effort to find the power we have been craving in the mundane world, we are susceptible to creating power schemes that replicate the imbalanced power dynamics to which we are accustomed” (p. 36).

The author goes on to describe what she refers to as the “Matriarchal “ model, which is essentially the same as the consensus decision-making model common to nonprofit organizations. In consensus-based groups, everyone’s voice is equally as important, and decisions are not final until buy-in is achieved from all parties involved. This is a helpful tool for maintaining healthy small group dynamics such as those found in a coven or local grove.

One of my classmates remarked that teaching compassion should be a first step: "if we learn to be compassionate, we will learn to be understanding to not only those that we will interact with, but also to ourselves.” Consensus shares its root word with consent, from the Latin, con, together, and sentire, to feel. It literally means, “to feel together.” Compassion, on the other hand, derives from the Latin, com, together, and pati, to suffer, and means, “to suffer together.” At first glance, it may seem these are synonyms, but I offer this: we must strive to maintain relationships through consent, through feeling together. It is only through consent that we will avoid the circumstances that cause the need for us to suffer together. Consent lessens the amount of suffering inherent in our relationships, and as a religion built on right relationship, this makes consent a far greater and more powerful virtue than compassion.  

Rabbit, Y. (2008). Matriarchy & consent culture in a feminist pagan community. Pagan Consent Culture.  Hubbardston, MA: Asphodel Press. pp. 31-42.

Home and Hearth: A Reflection at Imbolc

When thinking about what the concepts of Home and Hearth mean to me, my thoughts went to the notion of chosen family. As we age, we move away from the mandated family we were given at birth to a more collective, chosen family of individuals to whom we freely give and receive love in the many ways that fulfill our lives.

In ADF, our Indo-European paganism is divided into factions based on our chosen “hearth” culture. This has led to a lot of confusion and feelings of isolation for folks, including me, because much like our chosen family, we, as pagans, get to choose with whom we build relationship as allies among the Kindreds.

If you look around the Prairie Home, you will see shrines to Brighid, Freyja, Hekate, Thor, Persephone, and Sky Father…not to mention the amazing depiction of the Earth Mother above the community shrine. This is what our Hearth Practice looks like.

We each have our chosen allies with whom we walk through the world in reciprocal relationship for the benefit of us all whether they be human, Deity, Ancestor, or Not-God. We have a say in who gets to join us at our Hearth and for how long they will walk with us on this journey through life.

As many of you know, Rev. Sara and I are in the middle of a class at Cherry Hill Seminary entitled, Pagan Consent Culture. The very first article in the book for the course by the same name is a piece by John Beckett on the notion of Personal Sovereignty. In his article, “Culture of Consent, Culture of Sovereignty,” Beckett (2008) discusses our individual “right to rule” ourselves AND the “obligation to rule rightly” (p. 2).

Though I am not typically a fan of Beckett’s work, there is merit in this statement:

We have a right to rule ourselves and the obligation to rule rightly.

We have a right to rule ourselves. Our personal sovereignty gives us the right to make decisions on our own behalf. We get to choose who comes into our homes, we get to decide what we want for dinner, we get to choose what we are going to wear.

We also get to choose whom we date, to whom we lend money, and to whom we offer hospitality. We even get to choose whether or not we will hug someone, regardless of how many times we’ve hugged them before.

We are each the bosses of ourselves which shows the importance of consent. Our society has us in the habit of making decisions for others without their input or permission. Consent is the only way we can truly respect the personal sovereignty of those around us.

Now, we also have an obligation to rule ourselves rightly. What does this mean? It certainly doesn’t mean we will be perfect. I will be the first to admit that I have made mistakes—a LOT of them, but each one holds a lesson that helps me to keep from making that same mistake again, each time, treating myself with self-compassion.

Self-compassion, suffering with the self (Latin com-together, pati-to suffer), builds a practice of learning how to give compassion to others, suffering with others. From there, I can truly build a practice of consent (Latin con-together, sentire-to feel), of learning how to feel with others before suffering takes place.

Seeking consent leads to healthy relationship dynamics. This practice is what will aid me in maintaining my personal sovereignty without diminishing the sovereignty of others.

Being in right relationship with those around us includes being in right relationship with ourselves. Right relationship with ourselves is the “Home” part of the Home and Hearth.

Home is where the heart is, inside of each of us, and at our center burns the living flame around which we build our hearth of chosen family and allies.

In short, Personal Sovereignty is being in right relationship with ourselves that we may build right relationship with those with whom we choose to share our journey. This, for me, is the essence of Home and Hearth.

Pagan Consent Culture Reflection 1: Defining Consent and Why We Need It

As I finish up the first week of Cherry Hill Seminary's course on Pagan Consent Culture, I have thoughts. We have been tasked with completing this class and engaging in the work of creating a better culture of consent within our organization in light of the allegations against our founder and former Archdruid, Isaac Bonewits.

This week, we read through several excerpts from Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape (Friedman & Valenti, 2008) with a focus on defining consent and taking a look at the general state of paganism as it relates to consent. From our discussions, I can see we still have a long way to go to truly embrace a culture of informed, enthusiastic consent. We tend to be quick to view this as an issue specific to patriarchal religions—one we like to believe doesn't exist in paganism. While I agree that much of our social norms originated with the religious over-culture, I strongly disagree that we are free from them in our own groups.

I have heard members of ADF discussing how much better we are than other groups, and I have to disagree here, as well. Power differentials along gender lines are definitely an issue in ADF just as much as in other areas. To date, we have never had a female Archdruid, and the argument for this is always, "well, it's an elected position, so it's not our fault.” Why aren't we lifting up our own women? If we are so much more progressive than other religious traditions, why are we still viewed as patriarchal from the outside? There are a lot of questions ADF needs to answer in terms of consent and equality within our own organization. That's why we are all here right now.

I have also heard complaints that young men are told to embrace their feminine side and learn how to share their feelings while in the same breath they are told they are “mansplaining.”  This response is typical: the behavior of men is blamed on the confusing messages they receive from women. Such responses are subtle forms of victim-blaming (which I agree is a harsh term for the notion of blaming the person with the lesser power differential for the negative reaction), and these types of responses muddy the waters for real communication. These cycles place the responsibility for social change on the population with less power. This is why social change is slow and/or doesn't happen often.

I have heard that “you can just tell” when someone needs/wants a hug. In terms of consent for touch, I wholeheartedly support a move to a place where everyone is asked whether or not they want a hug. Every. Time. Yes, even for something as “harmless” as a hug. I know many people who will hug you back, albeit awkwardly, when they are hugged without being asked or when everyone else is hugging and it seems expected. The hugger may never know, because folks who don't want to be touched have learned how to “get it over with” as quickly as possible without making it weird. This is a primary issue within our culture: implied/assumed consent. If we really want to make a change in our groves, we need to make it important to ask every time before we touch someone, regardless of how many times we have hugged them in the past.

The pagan community is a place where folks who have been hurt seek refuge. Many of these individuals have past traumas we don't know or understand. Giving them the option to receive a hug or not is allowing them to decide if they are in the right frame of mind to be touched at that moment. For example, a woman in a domestic violence situation may have had a bad night with her partner the evening before a grove high day. When she gets there, to her safe place to pray, she wants to have her moment with the fire and let the flames help bring her healing and connection to the Kindreds. She may usually be open and very fond of hugs, but today is not that day. By forcing this woman to give everyone a hug, or assuming she wants to be hugged, we take away her power in that moment. She had a negative touch interaction that removed her personal sovereignty. She needs the space to be in control of her own body and not hug anyone if she chooses to help her heal. She will hug you to avoid confrontation, but it is not the choice she would have made if given the option.

Women and marginalized individuals yield to those with more power. We cannot truly embrace consent as a cultural change until we recognize that we need to provide space for folks to voice their personal desires AND to be heard and obeyed, even for something as seemingly simple as a hug. In terms of consent, we have a lot to learn, and until we recognize our own issues and truly examine the roles we play as individuals into feeding the cycles, those with less power will continue to be held from realizing their potential within our groups.

Friedman, J. & Valenti, J. (2008). Yes means yes!: Visions of female sexual power and a world without rape. New York, NY: Seal Press.

Cross-posted at Mountain Ancestors Grove, ADF.

Solitary Winter Solstice for the Home Shrine

Prepare your ritual space to include a fire or fire representation, a well representation such as a bowl of water, a tree representation such as a stick collected from outside, your chosen divination system, and several rounds of offerings. The offerings listed below are typically common and are named simply to give you ideas. Please revise this to fit your needs and the supplies you have on hand. After you have arranged your items as you would like them, begin by finding your center…

Grounding and Centering

For a guided Two Powers meditation, ADF Members please click here: https://www.adf.org/system/files/members/orders/bardic-alchemy/oba-two-powers.mp3

Lighting the Fire

As you speak the following, light your flame or imagine your fire representation coming to life and connecting to all fires.

As I light this sacred flame, kindled from the Great Flame that lies in all fires, I connect my shrine to all shrines, my flame to all flames, my fire to THE Fire to light my way in this work.

Purification and Opening Prayer

Light a stick of incense from the flame or dip your fingers in a small bowl of water. Wave the smoke around you from feet to head or mark your third eye, heart, and palms with water. Place the incense into an incense burner when done.

“May I be pure that I may pass through the Sacred.

May I pass through the Sacred that I may attain the Holy.

May I attain the Holy that I be blessed in all things.” –Ceiswir Serith

House Spirit Offering

Prepare an offering for your house spirits. Common offerings include clean, fresh water, small snacks, and shiny objects.

Spirits of place who share my home,

Be welcome at my table,

Share in the hospitality I offer to you,

And add your energy to this work.

I invite you to celebrate this Solstice with me.

House Spirits, accept my offerings and invitation.

Inspiration

Light incense or offer a few drops of a spirit or scented oil.

Spirits of Inspiration, join me, on this, the longest eve of winter.

Bring warmth to my words that they may warm the hearts of those who hear.

Bring eloquence to my speech that my words be laced with beauty.

Guide my words that they be gifts to the Kindreds.

Inspiration, accept my offering.

Earth Mother

Offer grains or bread.

Gentle guardian of the Earth, Mother to us all,

Support and strength, foundation and hope,

Great Earth Mother, Hear my call.

I see you in the flowers, now asleep below the land.

I see you in the trees, the streams, and the prairies.

I see you in each of us, for we are all made from you and to you we shall return.

Earth Mother, I honor you.

Earth Mother, accept my offering.

Statement of Purpose

Through the sunset of the year, I have come to the time of the Winter Solstice,

in remembrance of the blessings I have received throughout the year.

On this longest night, as the sun sinks down into the Underworld,

I name this flame the beacon of hope to stand against the darkness

until the sun is born again in a bright dawn of joyful celebration.

Recreating the Cosmos

Prepare an offering for each of the hallows to bless them and prepare them to be the Gates.

Burning bright, the Flame before me,

Lighting paths the night would hide,

Shine your light upon my shrine.

Sacred Fire, show the way to worlds unseen,

Sacred Fire, burn within me.

Offer incense or a drop of oil to the Flame.

Flowing deep, the Well before me,

Washing clean to purify,

Reflect the light upon my shrine.

Sacred Waters, show the way to worlds unseen,

Sacred Waters, flow within me.

Offer silver to the Well.

Standing tall, the Tree before me,

Lifting high the Fires light.

Deeply rooted on my shrine.

Sacred Tree, show the way to worlds unseen,

Sacred Tree, grow within me.

Cense and/or asperge the Tree.

Gatekeeper Offering and Opening the Gates

Prepare an offering for the Gatekeepers.

A child of the Earth is calling,

To the Keepers of the Ways Between,

To those who guide and guard the ways,

Gatekeepers, All, hear my words!

To you, Keepers of Keys who opens the ways,

To you, Guardians of Liminal Spaces,

To you, Guides outside of time and space,

Gatekeepers, All, hear my words!

Come to my Fire, and stand beside me!

Openers of Ways, Masters of Time,

Liminal Beings, Allies in travel,

Gatekeepers, accept my offering!

Make offering and prepare to open the Gates:

Gatekeepers, join your magic with mine…

As you speak the words to open each gate, trace a counterclockwise circle above each in turn.

May the Well sink deep into the bosom of the Earth, down below the Chaos of Potential, and open as a Gate to the Underworld.

May the Fire rise high into the heavens, far above the Chaos of Order, and open as a Gate to the Upper Realms.

May the Tree hold fast the ways between and open as a Gate to the world behind ours in the Middle Realm.

Bring your hands together in front of you and part them wide as you speak the following:

By our words and by our deeds, Gatekeepers, let the Gates be opened!

Pause for a moment and feel the opening of the Gates, stepping you outside of time, and meet the Kindreds with joy and purity of intention in your heart.

Invitation to the Ancestors

Offer coins to the Well.

You who have gone before me

Those of blood and bone,

Those of heart and honor,

Those of hearth and spirit,

Be warmed and welcomed by my fire.

Bring the wisdom of your journeys

To brighten the spirit of hope

On this, the longest night.

Ancestors, accept my offering.

Invitation to the Nature Kin

Offer grains, seeds, or clean water.

You of the middle realm

Standing side by side with me,

Sharing in the bounty of the Earth Mother,

Guiding my feet along her paths,

Be warmed and welcomed by my fire.

Bring the purity of your hearts

To brighten the spirit of hope

On this, the longest night.

Nature Kin, accept my offering.

Invitation to the Shining Ones

Offer incense, oil, or spirits.

You who dwell on high

Granters of Vision’s Truth

Bestowers of Wisdom’s Grace

Gilded Guardians of Inspiration’s Muse

Be warmed and welcomed by my fire.

Bring the powers of your healing

To brighten the spirit of hope

On this, the longest night.

Shining Ones, accept my offering.

Key Offerings to the Sun

Offer incense, oil, or spirits.

As the darkness descends upon the land and all is blanketed in white and cold,

I speak of the promise of new beginnings that shine down from the Sun.

Bright, shining Flame of Hope, I honor you this day.

Your rays kiss the Earth to bring forth new life,

Life which sustains and nourishes Earth’s Children.

Where your Fires touch the Waters,

The Waters are set to dancing,

Rising into the Sky to join the Court in shimmering splendor,

And falling back to the Earth to bring the blessings of the Sky to her people.

Sacred Sun, I honor your role in sustaining the Earth, bringing light and life to the land.

Sacred Sun, accept my offering.

Final Offering

Offer oil or spirits.

Offerings made, freely given by head, heart, and hand.

I offer freely of my words, of my love, and of my stores.

May my words rise high through the Fire.

May my words drop into the Well.

May my words echo through the Tree.

May they carry my offerings throughout the Realms.

Kindreds, All, accept my offerings!

Omen

Prepare to take an omen using your preferred method.

May the true sight be upon me.

May the true words be mine.

May the Kindreds grant me the wisdom and wit

To understand their blessings.

Take and interpret your omen.

Waters of Life

Prepare a cup of water or your preferred beverage.

During this time of the year when the waters of the sky come down in soft, icy stillness, I reflect on the magic that lies within them:

All waters are, by their very nature, sacred

Welling up from the Underworld carrying the wisdom of the Ancestors

To pool where it will in the middle realm

Where it is kissed by the Sun and rises

High into the sky to pool among the heavens

And rain down upon the Earth

To be drawn back into the land and prepare to repeat the dance,

The Dance of the Waters.

For a time, I set these Waters apart,

Water that quenched the thirst of beggars and kings alike,

That they may hold the blessings offered to me by the Kindreds, Three.

Just as I place my offerings into the Fire that they may be transformed into a form that is useful to the Kindreds,

So, too, do I ask that their gifts be transformed into a form that I may receive.

Ancestors, send your blessings up and fill this cup from the Well of Wisdom.

Ancestors, grant me your blessings in the Waters.

Noble Kin, fill this cup from the Spring of Renewal.

Noble Kin, grant me your blessings in the Waters.

Shining Ones, send your blessings down and fill this cup from the Cup of Inspiration.

Shining Ones, grant me your blessings in the Waters.

Raise the cup as you speak the following:

Blessings, flow through me, sustain me, renew me!

Behold! The Waters of Life!

Drink from your cup, spending a moment of quiet reflection on the omens you have received and how these may be made manifest in your life.

Thanking the Beings

Ancestors who’ve gone before,

Noble kin and Spirits of Nature,

Shining Gods, Goddesses, and Deities,

For all your aid and guidance,

I give you full honor and thanks.

Kindreds, All, I thank you.

Thanking the Gatekeeper and Closing the Gates

Gatekeepers, All, for all your aid,

You have my full honor and thanks.

Gatekeepers, I thank you.

As you speak each of the following, trace a clockwise spiral above each Gate to close it.

May the Well be but water once more.

May the Fire be but flame upon my shrine.

May the Tree be but wood, and

May all be as it was before,

Save for the blessings our work has made manifest before me.

Gatekeepers, let the Gates be closed.

Thanking the Earth Mother

Earth Mother, All Mother, Our Mother,

For all you have given to me,

For upholding and supporting me,

Earth Mother, I thank you.

Thanking Inspiration

For honeying my words and silvering my tongue.

Spirits of Inspiration, I thank you.

Closing the Rite

After closing the rite, extinguish the flame or leave it to burn safely, as desired.

May the work done here today be the seeds of blessings to blossom in the year to come. This rite is ended.

Daily Shrine Devotional

To those who stand beside me, Sharing from my table and warmed by my fire;
To those who’ve gone before me,
Providing wisdom from below;To those who shine upon me,Allies granting vision;And to the Earth MotherWhose gifts of plenty feed and nourish us,Whose strength supports us,And whose love surrounds us,I honor you.Accept these gifts of incense and devotionAs I uphold the oaths I have spokenTo love the land, honor the Gods, and serve the folk.May you be blessed by my good works and offerings.So say we all.

A prayer for those far away on Thanksgiving

For those who yearn for the presence of loved ones
far away on this day of celebration,
To smell their hair when you hug them,
To feel their smile warm the room,
To hear their laughter like a chorus of bells,
To sit beside them, even in silence, just knowing they are near,
I see you.
I see the depths of your sadness
Hidden behind the smile you wear for the sake of the other guests.
I see the darkness creep across your face every once in a while,
lingering for just a moment
as a memory of some ghost of the past sweeps through your mind.
I see you.
May a genuine smile find you,
May you be reminded you are loved,
May you find peace in your heart,
even if for a moment.
So say we all.

(Re)Creating the Cosmos: A Ritual Excerpt

The following is a small piece of liturgy for the (Re)creating the Cosmos portion of an ADF script. This piece is typically performed via song, and spelling out the words reminds us of the magic and sacrality that exist in this moment during our celebrations.

(Re)Creating the Cosmos

As the world was once a swirling void, Chaos of Potential pooling and flowing throughout the land, it was through sacrifice that order found its way into the world.

The Waters below are given a sacrifice of silvered work, destroyed now and removed from use, cast into the Well that the mouth of the Earth may open as a gate into the womb of the Mother and those who dwell in her chthonic Waterworld.

The Fires are fed with oil, sacrificed and transformed to smoke that rises up to the fires in the sky, consuming and feeding our sacrifices to the Gods.

The Tree is marked with incense, burned and transformed, that it may reach into the Heavens, and marked with Blessed Waters drawn from the Well of the Earth, that the roots may sink down to draw deep from the Waters below. The Tree, grown tall and rooted deep, stands firm as the pillar of the World, holding the Chaos in order with its roots and upholding the Fires in the highest heavens where dwell the Gods themselves. The Tree, the axis mundi, the static point around which the realms pivot on their path through space, opens wide to reveal the world behind our world, where Noble kin dwell in shadow and mist.

Thus, do we recreate the Sacred Center through our sacrifice in this rite.