Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mentoring and Reviewing and Other Druidy Things

Well, I've been mentoring dedicant students for a year now, and I've officially been signed up as a reviewer as of (probably) tomorrow. I am really looking forward to the review process. After completing so many GSP courses, I have a deep appreciation for the work of our reviewers, and our GSP reviewers also act as mentors, since there is no mentoring program beyond the dedicant level. It is my hopes to one day be a preceptor, preferably for the Bardic Guild, but I have a lot of work of my own I need to finish first. I've always been drawn to teaching, and in fact, I have been a peer tutor in one capacity or another for most of my life. It is almost like finding an old friend to be moving back toward this role.
I spoke with Persephone today, a nice change. I've been so preoccupied with time-dependent work, that I haven't had a chance to just say hi and tell her how much I appreciate her. (Bad Devotee! Bad!) We talked about some big things, and she showed me a few things that are tying together some seemingly unrelated parts of my Druidry rather nicely. Silly me, didn't I know everything is interconnected?
In other Druidy news, I have been parusing the Reformed Druids of Gaia network, and there are many interesting tidbits among the hilarity on those pages! I may sign up with them and go through their first level training as a means of Celtic immersion. Although, I am not very impressed with their suggested reading list. Some of those authors are known for shotty scholarship at best, and many of the books are fiction. Alas, I am so decidedly Greek and almost as Norse that I find even the most basic parts of Celtia to be extremely rudimentary in my head, and I am going to need the information more and more as I delve deeper into the study of Our Druidry.
Overall, I am doing well. Some days the road ahead looks really long, but at least the scenery is beautiful and awe-inspiring! I am happy to report that the song I wrote did the trick in getting out all of those pent-up emotions that were serving as nothing but a blockage. I've already written a couple of poems, one of which is going in the next edition of Crane Chatter. It's for Odin. We're even now.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I stand inspired...

I Paint You in Dark Stars
A poem by Phagos
I paint you in dark stars
Against a background
As deep as imagination

Shooting stars
Constellations move
Indicative of the rising
And falling cycles in
Our lives

I reach for you
Next to me,
Across the way,
Over the miles
Which speak of

My hands,
Like nebula,
Lost amongst the
Deepest space
Reach out
To find you

First, in perimeter
We meet
Next, in proximity
We turn
Then, in close contact
We merge
All beneath the
Darkest cover of night

I paint you in dark stars
The brush, my hand
The canvas, your soul
As I move your hair
Off to one side
The planets turn
To watch time passing
The comets flame
As one heart beating
The planetary rings
Entwine us
Enshrine us
Beneath this far-reaching sky

You rise against
A backdrop
Of sparkling stars
They edge your
Mesmerisingly so

I see you there
On the horizon
I lift myself up
Like a shroud in
The aether
And float through the
Night sky to
Where you are awaiting
I meet you out there
In the infinite

I paint you in dark stars
My easel is a song
"I will be holding
"You soon"

The hills are in shadow
The sky dark as coal
As the two move together
Amongst the myriad stars
The distant lights flare
As they glisten
I paint you in dark stars
I paint you with me

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Brief Summer Solstice Musings

For Summer Solstice, our Grove held a Vedic-themed rite in honor of Savitr, the God of Solar Energy. It was a very moving experience, and I plan to continue to honor Savitr as a God of healing. I've not made a lot of connections with Healing Deities, so this is an exciting prospect.

To make comparison between the Hellenic and the Vedic, if I may: Savitr, a God of action and movement, would be comparable to Apollon whereas Surya, who IS the sun, would be better paralelled with Helios. I find it interesting that I have developed such a connection with Savitr when Apollon and I are best described as acquainted but distant. Helios and I, on the other hand, are old friends.

I will be honoring Helios in my solitary rite this week, and I am really looking forward to it. There is just something special about calling to a Deity at their height of power in the year. I will call on Eos to serve as gatekeeper once more, and I have missed her so! (I began working with Hekate this past fall after the Maiden's descent as a gatekeeper and guide. She has been a wonderful comfort and confidante through the dark times.) Eos is a Goddess who has experienced much love and much loss, and as Helios' sister, the pairing in a ritual has thus far been powerful for me.

In honor of Summer Solstice, I will end with a poem:

Eos, Goddess of the Dawn

Early morning is my time.
I offer warmth and hope
and light to dispel the darkness.
I am the opener of ways.
My rosy fingers creep through
and caress back Nyx herself
to make way for the sun once more.

As my brother readies for his ascent,
and his fiery horses are keen to fly
to bring the full light of day to the world,
I awaken the physical being of man
and the spirit that dwells within him
to the glories of a new day.

I am the Goddess of the Dawn.
I am the opener of ways.
I am Eos, illuminator of the darkness.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I Won't Cry for You-Revised: Songs evolve, you know.

I was not surprised to find that it was raining today,
to find tears of rain streaming down the window pane.
My pillow, yet dry from the tears that I won't shed for you.
Sufficiently buried memories locked away as I wait.

I won't cry for you.
I won't wallow and weep.
I'll live my life as though the strife is not looming,
And wait for you, I'll wait for you, I wait.

It's a blessing that this numbness has descended.
Release from grief is hidden from my view.
No words to bring me comfort can you offer me.
No words to soothe your spirit can I offer back to you.

And I won't cry for you
as I hide your name in my heart.
The memories, yet precious, don't seem worth it
if the cost forever keeps us apart.

Unshed tears
Unshared words
Realized fears
Seperate worlds

The silence stills my sorrow as a sedative
where words would serve to fan the flame of hurt.
It might appear I've taken you for granted,
but outward "hurts" aren't the units used for measuring our worth.

I won't cry for you.
My hope is yet too great.
Time is all I have that I can give to you.
Your worth is great, so patiently I wait.

I was not surprised to find that it was raining today,
but not inside. No reason why. I wait.
No tears I'll cry as lovingly I wait

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Returned BGSP Circle Course has me thinking...

I turned in my First Circle Composing Musician pieces, and they were returned. Not because there was a problem with them, but because the Preceptor (whom I adore and respect) wants me to add an introductory paragraph to each piece, explaining my motivation for the piece and the suggested use in ritual. That is not written in the SP requirements, but it is such a common sense thing that I am wondering why not! As soon as some MAdness settles down, I will be finishing these up and obtaining my first circle in the Bardic Guild.
On the verge of accomplishing a goal like this, I can look back at my growth and actually be proud of myself right now. Of course, I did it the hard way, completing the GSP courses rather than the BGSP-specific courses. When I made my ADF five-year plan, I anticipated much of this work would take a lot longer. As it stands now, all of my written coursework for the Bardic Guild is completed. I am at the mercy of the Muses now, and that's one of my favorite places to be.
As soon as I obtain my approval, these pieces will be listed on the ADF site under the BGSP completions, and it is my hope that sometime in the future, I will learn that something I wrote was used in someone else's ritual. The processional I wrote, incidentally, will be the very song played as a good friend and Grovemate walks down the aisle in October. I played it at my house the other day when some of the women were over to show a bardic-ly inclined Grovemate how easy it is to use Finale Notepad, and Mg came running down the steps, asking intensely, "What is that??" I began describing the piece for her, and when I got to the part where I relayed that it was a processional for something like an indoor rite, she added, "Or a wedding." This, this very type of thing, is why I write music. Music is not truly music until someone hears it. I am humbled by the chance ADF gives me to be heard.
I'm doing well. Not entirely healed, and I don't expect that for a long time to come, but these things are a good start. It's not always easy to heal when your pride is hurt, particularly when YOU are the one who has done the hurting, but doing something well and having others comment on something you have done well is salve for the wounded soul. The power of Words...

Polyamory and Heartache

Polyamory is an interesting beast, to say the least, and recent events have solidified for me that there is no sympathy to be found among monogamous couples when a relationship fails.

I have a successful primary relationship, and my husband and I have been polyamorous for eight years. I fell in love with a man who had a declared polyamorous relationship, though it turns out that they were polyamorous in theory (neither of them had actually had an external relationship).

For an entire year, I invested myself emotionally in a secondary relationship, though not quite defined as such since we were long distance and had almost no physical contact with one another. Personal things happened, and it was decided that the secondary relationship needed to be dissolved for the sake of their primary relationship. I fully support this move, and I wish them much luck and happiness.

I have some semblance of closure, knowing that there is nothing else I can do but step aside, which I have done, but my problem lies in the fact that is still hurts. I love him even now, but there is no comfort to be found among my non-poly friends--and that's pretty much all of them. There seems to be this underlying feeling that "it's good the secondary failed," and I am left feeling as though any moment now a scarlet letter will be afixed to my bodice.

I weep for a time-touched love and a handful of memories. It wasn't enough, and I didn't have enough time or courage to tell him what he truly means to me. I admit that I still don't quite understand everything, but I have learned several valuable lessons already:
  1. I don't think I can ever be a part of a relationship in which someone outside of it has "veto power."
  2. The rules of the dance must be agreed upon by ALL parties and not dictated. Even as a secondary how I feel is important, and even if my say is less-weighted than the primary partners, I think I need to have the courage to at least make sure my thoughts are heard.
  3. Once the rules are agreed upon, there are no excuses for breaking them, though I don't know how comfortable I am with the notion of a "deal-breaker."
  4. I'm not allowed to fall in love until much farther along in a relationship (Yeah, I know, a whole year and I feel like it was too soon? It's a LONG story, but one I am grateful to have lived). 
If you've been reading my blog, you will recall that I did something in May that affected my primary and his secondary. It was nothing like this, and they have healed, but I did note that this is the second time in two months that I have acted in a way that caused an issue for someone else. I made a BIG mistake this time that lead to where I am, but I need to live with it and move on. And I am. I can't take it back, that's for sure, but I can learn from it and keep from repeating it. So that's what I am doing: I'm learning.

I have officially put myself into emotional boot-camp, and I refuse to ignore the needs and effect that I have on those around me. I am not walking through this world alone, and it is high time I paid more attention. It's a rough lesson, but I hope it's not too late to grow and be deserving of a happy and successful relationship in the future. Before that time, however far off it may be, I will do what I can to make sure that I am a better version of me.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

As Fast as a Speeding Oak, My Brain...

Recent discussion on the Leadership list has been very thought-provoking, and it wasn't until the mention of Guild programs that I felt compelled enough to reply. I distinctly recall making an internal declaration that "Kirk said I could post to the lists if I wanted" before I began typing, and I still hesitated before I hit send. It hit me after my reply was met with continued discussion as though I belonged there.....that I belong there. *blink, blink*
As MA, I ghost all of the ADF lists, and I think in my puny brain I had made the assumption that I was only on this list because I am the MA. Duh, silly. I am on the Leadership list because I am the MA! ADF-Leadership is a list that I belong to, not one that I am ghosting. I bet that by the time I am NOT the MA anymore I will finally have my head wrapped around who I am. And then, of course, I will change, willow that I am. :)

Monday, June 7, 2010

A racing mind does not produce good works.

Attempting to write a ritual in a new hearth culture (new to me) is not easy with my mind running a marathon all the time. In addition, I have thoughts for a song and several started projects that I am just not focused enough to work on at this juncture. *Sigh* Time will make things better. If nothing else, I can always count on looming deadlines to get my butt in gear. Good thing I work well under pressure!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Because Bards put it in words...

The healing comes when the mistakes we’ve made become the lessons we have learned.
The learning comes when our vision shows us the wisdom we have earned
The wisdom grows as we look back on the trials that we’ve been through
And the hurt will go away--but never the memory of you.