An Authentic Spring Equinox Reflection

I’ve been trying to figure out what to say on this bright and promising Spring Equinox. The trees are beginning to bud, per usual, the flowers are starting to peek above the ground, and the birdsong is ever-increasing with the longer days. And I’m utterly uninspired. 

I could probably force myself to find something to write about, be a good little druid and talk about balance in all things and seeds sprouting—but that wouldn’t be authentic, and if nothing else, I want to offer you all authenticity.

The truth is, I’m sad. I’m sad about big things. I’m sad about the state of our nation and the hate being promoted by our leaders. I’m sad about the cost of living going up and up and up, beyond what a lot of people can afford. I’m sad about the loss of services that are harming people in big ways. And I’m sad that I am too small and insignificant to do anything about it.

I’m also sad about little things. I’m sad about the rocky interpersonal dynamics at work. I’m sad about how far away my grandson lives. I’m sad about how far away my kids live! I’m sad that the majority of what I do is work and so few people care about what I do unless they are mad about it or want me to do more. And I’m sad that there isn’t anything I can do about it. Not really. And not alone.

Well, geez, Missy. Not the uplifting, hopeful thing we were expecting. What are we supposed to do with this?

If you are sad, too, I offer you these words: we are sad together. That’s it. That’s what I have to offer. I can be sad with you. I am so grateful for folks who are inspired right now, those who are finding joy and awe in the world around them. And I am just not there right now. If you are sad, then WE are sad. And the togetherness makes it all a little easier to bear.

I got you, my dear community. And I know you got me. Together, we got this. Balance is a state we pass through, so we will be back there eventually.

Snow and Hunger Moon

For almost a decade now, the February full moon has been our “Stay at Home” moon. Before the pandemic, it was a call for us to slow down and savor the seasonal gifts of the home and hearth. During the pandemic, it was a reminder that our home and hearth remains our sacred haven from the world outside. And now, in these post-pandemic-endemic-times, we must adjust to our changed world.

Traditional Imbolc rites, particularly the Celtic Fire Festival, harkens back to the gifts of milk and green shoots. It was the time after the deep pang of winter leanness when food once more began to increase in plenty. It was the “just in time” foodstuffs and allowed us to strengthen ourselves for the hard work of the planting season just around the bend. 

But this wasn’t everyone’s experience, particularly after the industrial revolution when most of humanity moved away from our agrarian forebears. 

The winter of 1944-45 is known in Dutch history as The Hunger Winter. A German blockade halted food supplies from reaching the Netherlands, and the people began to starve. The Netherlands were a well-developed and wealthy nation at this time in history, making this a rare instance of famine. 

After allied forces liberated the southern parts of the Netherlands, Sir Bernard Law Montgomery planned a two-part mission called “Operation Marker Garden” to assist the Allies. The operation called for an airborne assault (‘Market’) to take control of key bridges in the Arnhem region and a ground attack (‘Garden’) to occupy the seized bridges. It failed. Germany blocked both water and land routes to the Netherlands in retaliation.

The blockade disrupted the supply not only of food, but also of another highly important resource: coal. Those in the rural areas fared mildly better than those in urban areas, only because of their ability to forage from the land. Rationing became less and less calorically dense, dropping to only 580 calories per day by February of 1945. Even the black market was empty of food. Families began sending their children to eh countryside to provide them with better access to nourishment. People burned furniture and interior walls for heat, sometimes dismantling entire houses and bunking up with neighbors to share the wood. 

The Dutch government issues pamphlets including recipes for tulip bulbs. You see, the bulb growers were unable to plant their stores in the fall, so there was an abundance of bulbs untouched in warehouses. The Office of Food Supply published a guide, including grating the bulbs into flour to make bread. 

It is estimated that 22,000 people died that winter, most from starvation. Many of those who survived were not left unscathed, however, particularly effecting children. Pregnant women who survived the famine gave birth to children with a high prevalence of schizophrenia, schizotypal personality, and other neurological defects. Additional epigenetic changes in women caused an intergenerational inheritance of low birth weights, diabetes, obesity, and cardiovascular disease. There are many folks in the Netherlands today to overcome the effects of the near starvation of their ancestors. 

One bright spot in all of this horror was the discovery of the precipitating agents of celiac disease. Against all odds, pediatricians were baffled by the way these previously unhealthy youths were suddenly gaining weight and beginning to thrive. When Sweden broke the blockade and brought flour to the Dutch, these children had an immediate negative reaction to the bread they were given. 

So, what lessons does this tale hold for us?

First, no matter how careful our planning, we cannot guarantee safe passage through storms outside of our control.

Second, being in a right relationship with our neighbors and greater communities may be our only access to lifelines along the journey. 

And third, even in the darkest of times, our humanity has a way of providing a light. 

During this time of snow and cold, we are called to gratitude for the abundance we find all around us. Most of us don’t plant gardens or keep livestock with the intention of providing for ourselves over the winter. We plan to provide for ourselves by visiting the grocery store. We use the holidays as a time of overindulgence in the name of celebration. Perhaps this is a carryover from our ancestors eating the well over the Winter Holidays. As stored food began to reach its end of life, it was either cooked and consumed or wasted….plus one Capitalism. We overspend, overeat, and over-indulge, but to what end? To what effect? By the February full moon, we are paying the price for our behavior over the last few months.

From now until the Vernal Equinox, our quest is to make our way back to balance: rest in our abundance, seek not excess, and stay out of the trance of scarcity. We have enough to make it through. We are enough, just as we are. These realizations are the greatest gifts we can receive in the cold and dark of winter.  May our deepest hunger be for connecting with one another.

A New Beginning...

 Greetings, and Happy New Year!

The past year has been quite a wild ride. I expected to research. I expected to write. I expected to begin the framework for my next focus area. I expected to finish my book. During my sabbatical, I did none of these things. Not one. How do I feel about this? Honestly, I am at peace with it. I'll give you a few highlights of how I spent my year.

A Sabbatical is a time of rest, often includes leisurely pursuing personal interests, but for me, it was a time of learning to go with the flow, to take stock of what I have, and lay fallow for a while to health and prepare myself for the new seeds to come. 

First there is an ending, then a beginning, and an important empty or fallow time in between. ~William Bridges

How did I spend my fallow time? I spent a great deal of time managing some family affairs that shook me to my core. While most of it is not my story to tell, I found myself repeatedly grateful for my training and support network. Sin and Zanna proved once again to be the rocks and pillars of our chosen family. I learned how important connections are. As the Havamal (44) says:

If you find a friend you fully trust
And wish for his good-will,
exchange thoughts,
exchange gifts,
Go often to his house.

I attended the High Day rites, Full Moon rites, and the Summerland Gathering as a guest and congregant. We even took our grandson with us to the festival. It was so lovely to attend and be filled by those sharing so freely of themselves. I spent this time soaking it all in like a warm, spring rain. I learned how important those moments of rest are to bring peace and healing to our hearts and spirits: 

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. ~John Lubbock

I stepped down as Clergy Council Secretary after six years of service. I acknowledged the many accomplishments of those years of work and handed it off to a talented and knowledgeable priest. I learned that letting go and letting things live on after you is healthy for your legacy. After all:

Every exit is an entry somewhere else. ~Tom Stoppard

I facilitated an Ordination. What a beautiful gift to be chosen to facilitate another rite of passage for a peer and friend. I have been inspired at watching both of these gentlemen rise and take hold of their paths. Service work is not for the faint of heart, and I look forward to seeing where this new role takes them as priests and as people.

As human beings, we find our divinity in our humanity. A priest must never forget that the same is true of his vocation. ~Rev. Damian J. Ference

Above all else, I spent time with my intentions set for 2024: 

Be Kind to My Body: I decided to quit drinking for health reasons, which was solidified when the research tying alcohol to a high risk of cancer was acknowledged by the Surgeon General. 

Be Open in My Heart: I made more of an effort to connect with PEOPLE, no matter how far away. I told them I love them, because I do. I made it weird. I have no plans to stop doing this. 

Be Whole in My Spirit: I began sharing my weekly rune reading with friends and finding ways to connect to the Kindreds in quiet and peaceful reflection. A big part of this intention was all those rituals I attended that were led by others. I even attended a series of Heathen Blots with friends. I also have no plans to stop doing this.

Be Strong in My Mind: Work this past year has been....a struggle emotionally. I reengaged in building relationships and in letting go of my own reactions to events, to stop taking things personally. This is still a work in progress, but I am confident in my ability to continue to grow. 

All in all, it was a time of deep learning and resetting. It was a time of fertilizing and making dirt. It was a time of remembering who I am, who I want to be, and who is walking this crazy road beside me. And it was time well spent. May we all have the gift of rest that we may rise, ready to grow.

A Time of Rest and Reflection

 It is time, past time honestly, for my sabbatical. After 9 years of service here in the Front Range and almost a decade before that in Ohio, I will be away from public service for a full turning of the wheel. I look forward to writing for you once more after Imbolc 2025!

A Rite of Passage and A Study Friend

On February 3, 2024, I had the privilege to lead the service and hear the oath of a new priest. While this is not the first rite of passage or even clergy oath I have facilitated, this one is definitely different, and these moments, these memories, reframe the perspectives and method of engagement for my future endeavors as a mentor and spiritual companion. 

I have been serving as Z's mentor for a few years now, and we've connected through our parallel study. As he was working on his courses for the first circle and Ordination, I was managing the third circle and requirements for Elevation to Senior Priest. As the events of the weekend retreat where we hosted the ordination rite begin to fade, I am left with key takeaways regarding the depth of this experience. 

For me, serving as Z's mentor has been different than previous and other existing relationships I have. While Z is perfectly capable of managing the study program work on his own, the types of questions and topics for discussion we've had have been more deeply spiritual and wholistic in that the way this work changes us as a person held position in the forefront. What he sought in our mentor relationship was (and is) different than other relationships I have. If I am honest, I wager I have received more lessons, insight, and learnings from our work together than he likely gleaned for himself. 

The biggest item, and one that makes this whole experience feel different, is our communal dedication to growth through study and experience. Rev. William Ashton talks about a type of relationship in the Jewish tradition known as Chavrusa, or Havruta. According to My Jewish Learning, Jews seldom study the Torah or Talmud alone, preferring to study in pairs or small groups. Havruta translates to “fellowship,” and it is in this fellowship relationship where the pair wrestle with the meaning of the passages of the texts, filling the hall with the sounds of discussion and debate to create an atmosphere known as beit midrash, a holy study hall.  As it states in the Talmud: “Two scholars, through discussion and debate, help to sharpen each other’s insight into the text” (BT Ta’anit7a). While this is a recent phenomenon, the concept sings in my spirit, and I haven’t had this level of intensity in my own religious study with another so close to what I was doing. While the actual events are technically different, working toward a rite of passage with another changes the perception of the work and creates a connection not as accessible in those who are further removed from that experience.  I have seen the magic of this type of Havruta study partner relationship before in watching Rev William engage with one of his closest companions on the path. Now that I am seeing this in Z, I am beginning to understand. 

I bestow many blessings on his new journey, his continued success, and most of all, if I may be selfish, on our continued study and growth together as peers. Congratulations, Z!

Be Kind to my Body

My internal work for this first season lies in being kind to my body. 

I am a Gen X woman who grew up on the Seventeen Magazine/Barbie ideal. We were always compared to unattainable images spoon-fed to us in all avenues of television and movies. Before Social Media and cell phones were a thing, we had to go to the mall and make phone calls on pay phones to invite our friends to join us. While there, we were bombarded with capitalism-based advertisements designed to make us purchase new clothes, or makeup, or diet pills, preferably all three. It was madness, and we had no idea.

I have done loads of work in this area since I became an adult, but the negative self-talk is always there. Body image is the one thing I can't completely get over, the last great symbol of the damage of my youth. I have gone through many diet and exercise phases, given up and overindulged, and constantly battled with weight and self-acceptance. I don't come from a line of thin women, not on my father's side anyway, and unlike my sister, I have battled being overweight since I was in elementary school. And people are mean. 

People are mean, ads are designed to make you feel bad about yourself so you'll spend money, and I have adopted some coping mechanisms that aren't healthy. The biggest lesson I have learned in my head that needs to sink into my heart is the idea of internalized oppression. Internalized oppression is a term used most often in the psychology of marginalized peoples.  It is "a recognized understanding in which an oppressed group accepts the methods and incorporates the oppressive message of the oppressing group against their own best interest" (Wikipedia, of all places. Their entry is actually very good.). When people are targeted, discriminated against, or oppressed over a period of time, they often internalize (believe and make part of their self-image – their internal view of themselves) the myths and misinformation that society communicates to them about their group. People with disabilities might internalize the ideas that they are incapable of doing anything meaningful, that they are a burden to their families and to society, and that they’re worth less than people without a disability. People of color might internalize the myth that they are not good workers, that they are lazy/unintelligent, that they are worth less than anyone whose skin is lighter than their own, even within their own race. Women might internalize the stereotype that they are not good at math and science, that they must always defer to men and to women who are "better" than they are because of their appearance, or that they are worth less than women who meet more of the societal standards for beauty.  It is individual and completely lives within the mind as a silent voice of negativity upholding the stereotypes of our society.

My work this season, then, is to make good choices for the health and well-being of my body, to take care of myself in addition to others instead of ignoring my own needs, and to notice and break the cycle of negative self-talk that tells me I am less-than for whatever reason. While I am not perfect and I have many lessons left to learn, I am good enough as I am and worthy of love and kindness. I may not meet the societal standards for beauty in any real way, but I have people who love and accept me, just as I am. I will be kind to my body. My body is not an apology, and I am worthy of love--even from myself.

Forecasting for 2024

This week, I began with the omen for the new year. I did a five-rune pull to see what this year's journey will entail. The layout (pictured below) is, in my opinion,  one of the only good thing I found in the Blum book on the runes (don't laugh; we've all probably read it at some point in our evolution).

1. Overview: Where you are beginning. Fehu - Wealth, abundance, responsibility for hospitality
2. Challenge: Information regarding what you are up against. Ansuz - Communication. 
3. Action: What you may consider doing to move forward from this challenge. Ingwaz - Break open the seeds of possibility that new things may grow. 
4. Sacrifice: Describes what you may need to give up or let go. Eihwaz - Connections in wider realms.
5. New Beginning: Describes the place you will end up if you move forward on the defined path. Perthro - Luck, the fellowship of the hall.

The practice of pulling an omen for the new year is not new for me, and if memory serves, this has been a twenty-year practice of mine. Some years, it's been a tarot Celtic Cross, others, it was a rune pull of various numbers ranging from my standard three to a full casting, and I've done several that included multiple decks and runes in a blended system of intuitive selection. I've done then at sundown on NYE, at midnight, and like this year, during the light of day of the new year. 

This year's reading reminds me that I am starting for a place that is rich in resources. This rune is about the wealth that one already possesses and the responsibilities that places on us: "to whom much is given, much is required." I am in a place of wealth that is realized when shared. As this is also Freyja's rune, I find comfort and strength in my current place. 

My big challenge will be in communication, which honestly, has been a lifelong struggle of mine. I am a much better writer than talker, and when emotions are high, it gets worse. This is not a surprise, and it seems I am ready for the next layer of lessons as I delve deeper into this ability. 

The action presented to me is a principle many runesters find a bit of a mystery. Ingwaz, or Inguz, is not well defined compared to some of the others and typically is said to represent the energy required to break open a seed. When a seed is planted, it must sense the proper conditions to support the life inside are present, warmth, water, nutrients, etc. When these conditions are met, the shell softens and basically explodes to allow the new life within to take root and reach for the surface where it may grow and eventually bloom, if fostered--but that part is a different rune. For now, I will see what seeds I have planted in the soil around me and where I can help foster the conditions to allow it to do its thing. 

The thing I may be called to sacrifice is the World Tree, which for me, often denotes connections in various "realms" of my life such as work, home, local congregation, national organization, friends, and family. Perhaps I am spending too much of my focus on an area that is not where my gaze is best rested? I will be on the lookout for the application of this principle. 

Finally, after all this work is done, the resulting new beginning will be one of luck and fellowship. Like Ingwaz, Perthro is poorly defined and interpretations are varied. It typically is referred to as the "dice cup" pictured on its side, leaving us with the notion of the dice already thrown and a feeling of luck being with us. It is also perceived as a symbol of gaming with others. One does not tend to throw dice alone, and as such, represents the fellowship of the hall. 

Taken together, I have work to do this year to hone my relationships, allow seeds previously planted to either sprout or stop taking resources where they won't grow and improving my relationships with those around me. May I find the opportunities presented to me this year to bring this work to fruition and step freely into them with acceptance and purpose to move forward with one.