Personal Behavioral Goals

Changing habits is not easy. We set up our environments to support our behaviors in ways that make it difficult to “escape temptation” without careful planning. When we decide we want to change—whether to start something new or to stop something we’ve been doing for a while—the change won’t be successful without some mindful attention to what’s around us (including people!).

A quick google search for creating habits yields dozens of articles, mostly centered on diet and exercise, but not all of our less-than- stellar habits are about food. We might want to create better sleeping habits for insomniacs, better time management for the chronically late, better spending habits for the impulse buyers, and so on. Stopping a bad habit is often much easier than amending a behavior we have to keep in some form. We may find it far easier to stop drinking soda by not buying it, but it’s harder to stop biting our nails, because we can’t get rid of our fingers!

So, where do we start?

First, figure out what you do. Take stock of ALL your habits. Follow yourself through both a work day and a weekend day, and look at how you spend your time. How much time do you spend doing things that are unproductive? Why? What behaviors do you notice that you didn’t realize before? How are your work days different from your days off? All of this information will help you do an informal root cause analysis for the issue you want to address. Using cellphones as an example, our amount of screen time and frequency of use may be factors in time management. When we lose track of time, we are at greater risk for being late.

Once you have a handle on what you do and for how long you do it, think about how those behaviors were supported by your surroundings. When we identify what leads us to behave in a certain way, we can help ourselves by removing those barriers.

Then, set a goal for yourself and keep track of it. Spoiler alert: the goal is not the most important part! You know all those motivational posters that tell you the journey is more important than the goal? Well, they were right. If we can break our goal into smaller, actionable items, we are more likely to succeed. If your goal is to stop being late, you can’t simply stop being late. You can, however, not pick up your cellphone in the half-hour prior to your scheduled departure time, check traffic details to ensure your scheduled departure time is adequate, and resolve not to make unplanned stops along the way. Reward yourself for those successes, too. Rewards reinforce behaviors!

Finally, the most successful goals are the ones we share. Whether you want to work on a goal together or you just want someone to check in with you for accountability, there is power in who (not just what) surrounds us. It’s easier to make good choices when someone is watching! 

Doomscrolling

Let’s talk about doomscrolling.

If you’re old, like me, you might not be familiar with the term, or you’ve heard it but don’t quite know what it means. Doomscrolling, or doomsurfing, is the tendency to continually scroll or surf through bad news. Even though the information makes you feel sad or angry or afraid, you just keep reading article after article full of doom and gloom. Common topics that will land you in a doomspiral include current news about COVID, statistics about poverty or the job market, the housing crisis, and climate change. No matter how much the doom consumes you, you just keep scrolling.

In case you’re wondering, no, this isn’t great for you. Doomscrolling can lead to some pretty significant psychological impacts, including depression and anxiety. In the very least, it will darken our moods and leave us wondering why we even bother.

The issue is complex, because so many of the social media and news outlets we consume are designed to keep showing us articles and memes (single-box web cartoons, old man) that are similarly themed to what we are currently seeing, leaving us very little diversity in content.

AND, our brains are hardwired to go with the flow. Once upon a time, our lizard-brains were set up to always handle negative stimuli first, because, you know, it just might kill you. Now that we live in a lower-stakes world where we are pretty sure the internet

won’t eat us (are we, though?), our brain chemistry still wants to examine and understand the intellectual and theoretical “threats” around us, just in case. So, the negative articles suck us in, and we have to keep reading until we understand the nature of the threat and the likelihood of it affecting us directly. We can’t not look at it!

It doesn’t help that we are surrounded by others who are doomscrolling through the same topics, sharing links to similar information, and even discussing them with us at home, at work, in the grocery store, and anywhere else they find a willing conversationalist.

If you’re like me and you’re also tired of the weight of negativity resting on your chest, I can only offer you some tips that have helped me.

First, surrounding yourself with more good news will take the edge off. I joined a group on Facebook called, “Heck, This is Wholesome,” that only allows stories and videos of people and animals being awesome.

Second, surrounding yourself with people who help you feel better about the world will make a difference in the long-run. Who brings you hope?

Finally, turn off your dang phone, or at least put it down. Find a feel-good movie or a good book where the good guys win, or just take a walk outside. Your brain, and your heart, will thank you.

Your Spiritual Autobiography

I recently finished a book entitled, Praying with Jane Eyre, by Vanessa Zoltan. It is a reflection on reading as a sacred practice, and each chapter is a thematic discussion and personal reflection as a means to illustrate how the sacred may be found in any reading we decide to examine in this way. The author is a Jewish Atheist, and many of her stories include lessons in her own life related to her experience as a Jewish woman whose parents were both born of holocaust survivors. Many of the other books I've read on sacred reading are from a distinctly monotheist perspective and typically involve a holy book that is sacred simply because it exists. 

As a pagan, I long-ago developed a series of books that I hold as sacred. Tomes of mythology and lore that speak to the heart of the way I view the world. Reading Ms. Zoltan's perspective was familiar in the sense that my studies of Mircea Eliade's work has already instilled in me the idea that WE are the manifestors of the sacred, WE get to decide what is sacred and what is profane (mundane) in our own worlds. However, I have always, in my subconscious overculture conditioning, applied this practice to works that other people would agree are sacred....such as tomes of mythology and lore. Her work has allowed me to consider other works I hold dear, other titles that have shaped and changed my life, as sacred and worthy of more pointed examination. 

One of the items I gleaned from this work was not one I expected to encounter. Once upon a lifetime ago when I was a gigging Christian, we had a practice of developing and sharing our "conversion stories." These were finely-tuned short recountings of the events and feelings that led to our spiritual awakening and full transformation into the god-fearing Christians we had become.  It was, in short, the story of the Aha! moment that led us to believe. It was also a part of our personal ministry and a useful tool in our  witnessing to others. Since polytheism does not have a prescribed belief system--we are an orthopraxic (right action/behavior) rather than orthodoxic (right belief) religion--I had put the practice out of my mind and dismissed it as no longer relevant.  I am grateful to Ms. Zoltan for renewing this within me. Let me explain...

While Ms. Zoltan was in divinity school, her professor asked the class to write their spiritual autobiography. Without a lot of guidance, the students set about mucking their way through self-discovery and self-creation and authoring their own stories of becoming. The power of our own stories lies in our ability to articulate it, and this art of sharing will connect us to ourselves and to others in ways we never thought possible in this venue. 

I am working through writing mine, and I will share it with you when it is complete. I am finding just creating the outline to be useful and powerful for me in identifying points of major growth and developmental milestones in my own becoming who I am. This process is a gift, and I am grateful to the art of reading in a sacred way for allowing me to be changed at the ripe old age of 43 by a seemingly simple 250 pages.

Time

Yesterday was apparently Pumpkin Spice day at Starbucks. I know this because no less than four people have told me, including an announcement on the morning news. Despite our insistence on moving ever-closer to “all things fall,” the weather forecast for the remainder of the week is all 90’s, all the time (kinda like my Pandora account…). So, we wait.

That’s the thing about time, no matter how much we want it to pass or to stand still, it keeps on ticking. Time, as we know, doesn’t change. The length of a second, a minute, an day, a month, and a year are always the same. What changes is our relationship to time that alters our perspective. When we want time to move more slowly to preserve something wonderful, time perseveres and passes anyway. When we want to be squarely on the other side of something less wonderful, time perseveres at the allotted  pace despite our most desperate desires.

Time, it turns out, doesn't care about our feelings.

Because of our ever-changing relationship to time, scientists have labeled time-perception as an officially fluid thing. The way we feel about whatever it is we are experiencing will affect the way we perceive time in that moment. For many years, scientists described a theoretical model of time perception as sort of a

biological stopwatch that sped up and slowed down in line with our focus and attention. The more attention we pay to time itself, the slower it seems to pass. The more attention we pay to what we are doing, the more quickly time seems to pass. Happiness draws our attention to the source of the emotion. Happiness pulls our attention away from time, so we are less aware of its passage. Sadness and fear, on the other hand, are emotions from which we turn away, focusing our attention more on the passage of time as we painfully await the end of the experience that is the root of these more negative emotions. To make it even more complex, witnessing an event such as watching a video or a live performance of some spectacular (dangerous) feat will alter our perception of time. If we watch someone on YouTube careening down a hill on a mountain bike, our adrenaline will change our perception of time and we may be surprised by how little time has passed. When we are in nature, time often feels as though it has all but stopped, because our relationship to time is almost suspended and irrelevant. 

Suffice it to say that time is relative to how we are feeling and what we are doing. This past eighteen months of pandemic time have definitely had their impact on us, and the longer we need to wait for the end, the more slowly it feels as though time is passing. It’s taking FOREVER to be on the other side and realizing that new normal they promised. Two things that will help us weather this storm are our ability to bounce back from adversity and our ability to push through when things get difficult: our resilience and perseverance. So as we wait for fall, with joy or with dread, time will pass as it will, but we will keep moving forward, perhaps with a pumpkin spice in hand, knowing fall will come when it always does—no matter how we feel about it.

Writing--for Publication!

Greetings, Dear Readers. 

For those of you who've been following this space, I am sure it will not surprise you to learn that I am finishing up a book for publication. It is more of a guided journal, and it represents so much of my own development over the past five years that I am feeling a little apprehensive. 

The work contains 52 weekly reflective essays, each with a few bullet points to guide the reader toward incorporating the lesson into their own life (similar to my previous two posts, which are excerpts). Each week falls into a theme of leadership, personal development, or professional development, with plenty of overlap between them. It is designed for a working individual, whether at a for-profit, a nonprofit, or as a volunteer, and my hope is that this work will provide a framework for examining previous experiences and taking those well-earned lessons into the future as we all work to become better versions of ourselves. I also included a list of vetted recommended sources, a complete bibliography, and an index, so you can go through it "choose your own adventure" style. 

Writing this out feels good. I am proud of what I have created, and with many of the essays first posted here in earlier forms, I think you will be prepared as well as pleasantly surprised by what I'm offering. That being said, since this book represents so much of who I am and my process of becoming, the imposter syndrome is arising a bit. 

So, I write these words to announce my work. It's not published just yet, but placing these words here as a promise are the boost I need to move past my own misgivings and wavering confidence to finish up and share my work with you. 

You are all stars in the night sky of my life. I appreciate your light, no matter how far away you may be. 

Best,
M

Compassion Through Imagination

Not all of us are great scholars or even interested in scholarly pursuits. Most of us want to do our work, do it well enough to finish the day with a sense of peace, and go home to our loved ones where we are the masters of our domain, pursuing our own delights and catering to our own whims. During this time of autonomy, we often turn to reading or watching television as favored pastimes.  Our favorite books and shows wash over us, sweeping us into their stories as the reality of our own world floats away. During these times, when we are engrossed in the dialogue and nonverbal communication, we assess and make sense of the situation, even anticipating what may come next and preparing ourselves to react. We find delight in guessing correctly what turn the story will take and equally enjoy being surprised by an unexpected plot twist. As we go deeper into the story, we find ourselves relating to one of the characters and even imagine the entire story from their point of view. It’s as though we have become Hermione Granger, Naruto, or T’Challa (Wakanda Forever!). 

This deep connection is only possible because of our ability to imagine ourselves in the story. Our connection to ourselves expands to include the thoughts, feelings, and outcomes of the character. When we engage in this practice with the intention to connect and be changed by the story, we are making this time, this practice, sacred. Sacred, while typically reserved for items related to religion, means to set something apart with reverence and respect. We all have things in our lives that we have marked as sacred: our family, our heirloom Bible or Quran passed down from our grandmother, our grandfather’s pipe, our baby pictures of our grown children (from the time before digital photography), and so on. These things are sacred to us because we have made them so. The same is true of our experiences, lived or shared vicariously from others.

Engaging purposefully in this practice—watching or reading with the intention of allowing the content to move and to change us—engages our imagination in a sacred way.  We rejoice when great things happen to us in the mind of that persona, we despair with them in their grief, we laugh, we cry, and above all, we are moved by how it must feel to be them in each moment. The word for this connection in which we possess a deep understanding of how it must feel to be in another’s shoes is empathy. It is our sacred imagination that allows us to empathize with the characters, and this is an important practice we can use in our personal lives to enrich our relationships.

Sometimes, self-reflection uncovers areas where our ideals are higher than our humanity (our bar is set too high), and we must get back in touch. Imagine the connection you have with a friend or a coworker or even a customer or client. Imagine how it must feel to be where they are right now, in the middle of whatever they are going through, and embrace that feeling. From this point of view, we are better able to understand their actions, their reactions, and even their motivations. This act of empathizing with another is the very foundation that allows us to respond to them with compassion. When we take the time to understand how they are experiencing their situation, we are able to connect with them in ways that makes our time with them more sacred, more healing, and more effective.

The most powerful way to connect with another human being is through understanding them in a way that helps us to grow together toward a better mutual outcome. That is the very essence of compassionate collaboration and will strengthen our families, our teams, and our community relationships.

• Stepping into someone else’s shows as a sacred act allows us to collaborate with compassion.
• Where do you see relationships that will benefit from more compassion?
• Where do you see opportunities to help others understand your own journey in a mutually respectful way?

The Quest for Authenticity

The journey of self-exploration is really a personal quest to know ourselves well enough to be authentically who we are in every aspect of our lives. Finding our steady state of self, the place we are most comfortable being who we are, requires taking full stock of our wants, needs, passions, goals, purpose, and reactions to stimuli (good and bad), We must have a “you are here” point on our map that truly represents us in our entirety. Then, we can take this map with us out into the world of new situations, people, and experiences to help us chart our way back to that place, the very center of who we are at our core.

Some common “hiccups” for being your authentic self in more professional spaces can be addressed but some are actually boundaries we put in place for healthy reasons. Professionalism, especially concerning direct reports and power dynamics, dictates some personal information is kept private. We don’t owe our superiors our life stories any more than our direct reports owe us theirs. While sharing bits and pieces of who we are creates a sense of belonging and builds trust, there are parts of our lives that are inappropriate to share at work. On the other hand, not all work environments are healthy enough for us to share things about us that are normalized in other spaces. For example, a person who is under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella may hide the fact that they have a same-sex or queer partner (or multiple partners) because the heteronormative views of their coworkers include statements that show a negative bias against other orientations. In this instance, a polite distance and lack of personal details provides a safety factor, whether emotional, social, or worse, physical. True threats to the body are not common in more “white collar” industries, but the reputational harm can place a glass ceiling in someone’s career path. The work here lies in knowing what and when (and with whom) we can share to find our way back to the center of our map. 

A useful tool for guiding us in plotting our course is to develop a personal code of ethics. A code of ethics guides our decision-making in both personal and professional settings. Most organizations have a code of ethics (it was probably given to you when you were hired or added to a volunteer team and likely readily available) which outlines behavioral expectations while in the workspace. Personal ethics, however, must be identified by us as individuals. Typical factors include religious/spiritual beliefs, morals, lessons learned from previous experiences, and our overall ideas for what we view as an ideal and just society. For some, it may be a simple list of ethical traits such as integrity, selflessness, honesty, loyalty, equity, respect, and/or empathy. For others, it may be a list of statements (with or without explanations). 

My personal code of ethics looks like this:

1. I will follow the morals and virtues I hold dear to aid me in making good decisions. I will “walk my talk” as consistently as possible, including doing what I say I will do and showing up when I say I will show up.
2. I will seek first to understand, acknowledging my personal biases when I become aware of them and working toward making amends when I have caused harm.
3. I give myself permission to be imperfect, and I will work toward repair and reconciliation for my mistakes and errors. 
4. I will strive to maintain boundaries as a free and independent person, acknowledging that those around me are also free and independent and deserving of those boundaries.
5. At work, I will maintain confidentiality with my peers, my coworkers, and those who report up through me to allow open dialogue and foster a speak-up culture. At home, I will maintain confidentiality with my family, my friends, and my congregants to ensure trust is earned and kept intact to the best of my abilities.
6. I will speak up about events or situations that have the potential to cause physical or psychological harm; I will contact the appropriate authorities when I am required to report a situation or event based on mandatory reporting laws.

Mine does not contain references to values such as integrity, compassion, or loyalty, though all three of these are very important to who I am and who I strive to be in the world. My code of ethics captures behaviors rather than concepts. The use of “I will” statements makes these feel like promises I am making myself and those around me regarding my behavior and how I show up. They speak to the way I move through the world and not simply what values I hold. A list of values alone does not lead to personal accountability and leaves more room for interpretation.

The easiest way to ensure you can follow the map back to your authentic self is to implement a personal code of ethics as your wayfinding principles. Know where your boundaries lie, why they are there, and what actions you can take to create safety and confidence in how you show up in your personal and professional spaces.

• Find your way back to your authentic self by following your code of ethics.
• Create your own code of ethics. Include all aspects of life such as work, home, church, social, etc.
• Where do you see opportunities to be a more authentic you?