So many thoughts running around in my mind. Where to begin? With the autistic child who laid his head in my lap and fell asleep, after spilling a smuggled bottle of bubble solution on my bed and a bowl of dry cereal behind my nightstand? I could sing of my beautiful daughter who brought me the most gorgeous little flower from outside because she said it was pretty like me, after I cleaned up the carrot shavings from the carrot she peeled after lunch. I can rave about my eldest son's uncanny ability to give me a random hug when I am in need of one, regardless of the fact that I raised my voice at him thirty minutes prior because his laundry basket was dumped into the hallway--the clean laundry. I may decide that I want to talk about the subtle way I am reminded exactly where my place is--and remembering what size my breeches are, so to speak. Mine own thoughts are plotting.
So many people dear to me heart are having a rough time about things. Life is hard sometimes. Life is cruel. People are cruel, and commonly extensively so. How do you tell someone who won't hear you that she is beautiful? How do you tell someone whose own thoughts are too loud to listen when you praise her intellect? How do you show someone who has made himself blind how talented he is? And how do I open myself so I can hear the good things people are saying about me? I wonder; I wonder.
I wish that people would just say what they mean. I wish that people would mean what they say. I wish that people talked to one another the way they wish to be talked to in return. I wish for loads of things that I have no control to change. I do, however, have complete control over one thing in this world--and that is my reaction to them. To those who tear me down, even passive-aggressively. To those who speak words that are intended to diffuse a situation but somehow alienate me. To those who undermine me to get ahead. To those who have something to say about my child and try to give me advice, though many of them have no children and can't possibly know what it is like to be where I am. I choose to live with grace and sanity. I choose to be kind and thoughtful. I choose to persevere in the face of adversity. And above all else, I choose love and loyalty, friends and family, kin and Kindreds, for these are what really matter to me. I think I made good choices.
You are good enough; these things just take time. You are beautiful, and I wish the opinions of strangers didn't effect you so deeply. You are extremely talented, and I am sorry if I have taken you for granted or held you back in any way. You are loved, and I know that is not enough, but I hope it will hold you over, at least long enough to get some sleep tonight. I love you all. I can be strong enough for us all. Lean on me, and I will hold you, but when you can stand on your own again, don't forget the rock beneath your feet...