The Gift of Hope

Those of you on my facebook may have seen the announcement posted yesterday about my Timmy getting into the REACH program. It is an intense behavioral intervention program for autistic children that involves very small group dynamics, personalized instruction, OT/PT, speech therapy and immersion therapy involving playtime with normally progressing children in the school.  Timmy's room will have six children,and two teachers, and the specialists will EACH see him almost daily.

I almost fell on the floor when they called to tell me he got in, but I was literally reduced to tears during the three-hour parent session today as my heart filled with joy. His OT and speech therapists from his current school were in attendance, as well as the new teacher and the phsychologista for the school and the district. They gave us the results of his most recent ETR, spending 45 minutes telling us the progress he has made. They showed me a paper on which he has written his name from memory. He folded it in half. One side said, "Timothy" and the other said, "Tim Tim" (that's what Jessie calls him). 

The district psychologist referred to Timmy as a high functioning autistic, and from that moment on, my heart was overflowing. "High functioning" is what you want to hear when you are told your child has autism, because those two words denote a syndrome that can be compensated with behavioral training. In other words, it means Timmy has a chance of getting better.

I was assured Timmy would learn to speak and to use the potty very soon among many things I never thought he would be able to do--let alone by the end of Kindergarden! When the other five kids came into the room (we ran a little over with our tour of the room), I was surprised to note how similar they look to my Timmy. Not knowing any other autistic children personally, I didn't know they had a characteristic look about them. A little boy walked right up to me and said, "hi." He even sounded like Timmy. Then, I noted that these kids, these five-year-old kids, were reading their schedules and starting their day while I talked to the teacher. Yes, reading. She told me Timmy will do all of these things, too. And more.

I walked into that school with my guard up waiting for a list of things he cannot do to be read aloud to a room full of strangers, but I walked out with a handful of resources that I've been asking for for three years and a heart full of hope.

Liturgy Practicum and Eldest Minion

I have just begun working on the Liturgy Practicum for the ADF Initiate study program. This course is designed to help you create a working home practice for your spiritual work. I haven't been working on much of anything recently, and I am looking forward to the motivation of journal requirements to light a fire under my spiritual, uh, self.

My oldest son is going to be evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome. I think this is one of the best things that has ever happened to him. He was surprisingly animated when I told him he may have a diagnosable condition. I think that having an explanation for why things are so different for him is more appealing than I realized. He has been very happy since I talked to him about it, and he even wants to change schools, if he can. Eldest minion is growing into such a wonderful person. I do hope this will open some doors for him. He's been knocking on them for so long....

All is quiet here on the home front, otherwise. Three more weeks of clinicals. November 12, here I come!

Loss and Love

The fact that I don't feel like writing says to me that I should. I've been avoiding a post because I don't want to be a downer all the time. I have been feeling almost overwhelmingly sad from time to time recently. I really miss my Mother-in-law, and there are a lot of reminders popping up. I talked with my son about when he was an infant. Oh, Gods, how she loved him! We told stories and laughed and then I excused myself casually to go cry alone. And cry I did. I've not cried like that in ages, and I am starting to think that I let out a lot of pent-up emotional garbage that I've been carrying around. So many people I know have experienced loss recently, and it tears my heart to see them grieve. I pray for healing for all of you.

I've learned a lot of things about relationships, what works, what doesn't, how important little things can be, etc, but the most important lesson I have learned is in regards to appreciation. We as a species are prone to taking things, particularly people for granted. Why is it that love, much like life, is only treasured when it is fragile? When it's strong, we assume it will always be there and go about our days. There is worth in more than just those things that are delicate. Maybe what is weak right now is me, and therefore everything seems much richer and more vibrant by comparison. Whatever the reason, I am spending the day being grateful for the wonderful gifts--things and more importantly, people--that are in my life.

Don't worry. I am doing just fine. I'm just missing some folks who are/were very important to me. Sometimes, there's a hole, and it takes a while to fill it with all my favorite memories.

A Day Full of Joy!

I attended my first pagan wedding today, and the newly weds are both dear friends of mine. It was absolutely beautiful. Seeing a wedding done in a pagan format and calling on the Kindred that I honor in my personal life during the ceremony made the expereince far more powerful and meaningful than I anticipated. I am grateful to have shared in this special moment with them.

The icing on the cake is that the bride walked down the aisle to a piece of music that I wrote! Yesterday, when we were setting up and doing the rehearsal, I was introduced to three people as "The Composer." I still don't quite feel like I deserve that title, but I am realizing that to most people, that is probably what I am. In my head I have a very strict vision of a composer, like Beethoven and Mozart. Perhaps it is time to widen my frame of vision, yes?

It was a little stressful with more things than I wanted being done "on the fly" (I am way too organized for that, lol), and I had some personal (and mostly unrelated) tension I was burying while I was there. As we were driving away after a full day of love, laughter and fellowship, I asked my dear friend to pull some runes for me: Othala, Ancestral Inheritance (read: learning from the past); Wunjo, Joy; and Ansuz, Communication. I feel pretty good about that.

On comfort, or rather, the lack thereof

I wanted to be able to write about a wonderful ritual to honor Persephone as she returns to her throne. But I am ashamed to say I didn't perform one. I've been avoiding a lot of things recently, and it has finally spilled over into my spiritual life.

 

I found myself listening to the Christian music station in the car yesterday morning, and that is when it hit me. My problem is not that my trials and such are too big. My problem is that I have not found an avenue for comfort along the pagan pathways. My support network is barely supportive, and the last several times I went to the Gods, I opened the gates and found myself with nothing to say. I am empty, and I have nothing left to give. As I sat there alone in my car listening to the immense amount of love and comfort the Christians receive from their God, my eyes welled up with tears, because there isn't anything like this in my life anymore.

 

I know not all things from my early religious days will be replaced by some wonderful and perfect, pagan-themed equivalent. However, much like prayer, I don't see any reason why comfort should belong to the Christians alone. Prayer is for all Gods. Comfort is for all people. Some pagans call it "healing" or "energy work" or "positive vibes," but I miss the notion of pure, unadulterated emotional comfort.

 

I went in search (on the internet) of music, because I relate almost all things to music, and I found a lot of good songs! I found songs about many of the Deities I honor, songs about nature, songs about the Earth Mother, songs about general themes of Neopagan High Days, songs of humor, songs of worship and praise, and musical versions of more myths than I can count—but there is a big whole where songs about the love the Gods offer back to us are supposed to be.

 

Since I cannot find an equivalent for comfort music, I suppose I will have to continue to write. I have written a song or two about calling on the Gods for aid in our times of need, but my aim this time is not necessarily for divine help or to remind folks that prayer is an option. My aim is to show that Our Gods can offer us love and comfort, too. It might seem like a "Christian carry-over" as I have been accused many times, but we all have to walk our own paths and make our own decisions regarding our relationships with Deity. For me, my relationships are full of love and devotion. Not many pagans admit to loving their Gods, but I love mine. I make no apologies for that. And I fully believe they love me in return. I make no apologies for that, either.

 

I live in a World Full of Gods, and many Gods offer many helping hands.

Fall Equinox with the Cranes

 Three Cranes Grove held our Anniversary rite today, celebrating our 9th Fall Equinox and closing our 8th full year as a Grove. The Deity of the Occasion was Teutates, the God of the Tribe, and I had the honor of serving as Bard for this rite. I called to Ogmios as Bardic Deity for inspiration, and the words that came out were not close to what I had intended. His presence was with me throughout the rite, and I am really enjoying working with him. It's nice to be developing a relationship with a Celtic Deity. I've previously been rather distant from the hearth cutlure in general.


Overall, the rite went very well. It was a little distracting to have the kids with me, and I am eternally grateful to some of my grovemates for keeping Timmy entertained and safe while I served the folk. Omens were good, and a lot of folks left with very positive feelings. We even got a couple of emails from some folks who are not currently members but wanted to thank us for the experience.

I didn't get much from the rite personally, but I never do when I have my kids with me. I can't (and shouldn't) allow myself to dissociate when I am in charge of them. I am having a hard time with this, because I know it is good for them to be there even though they don't really participate, but in addition to leaving without "getting my ritual fix," I end up "being at work," and I always need help, which kinda bothers me.

Anyway, it was a good rite, and I am pleased with the role I played in it.

And so we begin...

Clinicals, that is. My rotation starts tomorrow. Well, today. I am in the middle of a twelve-hour shift after which I will go downstairs to the Toxicology lab for an additional eight hours of free work--a whopping total of twenty hours at work. And I get to do this every other Tuesday for the next ten weeks! The difficulties that come with lack of sleep will be far worth it come December when this is all behind me. I will finish up just before Thanksgiving, leaving me a rather nice and lengthy holiday break.

I have already begun the countdown to March, when I graduate in absentia from the University of Cincinnati. If I can just make it through clinicals, haha.