Solitary Hellenic Fall Equinox 2009

This was a rough rite, liturgically. I was very emotional, imagine that, but it went well.

Though I had intended to do an Eleusinian Mysteries rite, this ended up being more of a Hellenic Re-dedication.
From the moment I honored Hestia, I began to feel a part of my that has been sleeping for the summer waking up. When I called Hekate to aid in opening the gates, I was smiling broadly. And when I called to Persephone, I almost cried. It felt good to be in the presence of my Olympians once more, and I look forward to the months to come.

Omens were taken as a forecast for the upcoming season:

Shining Ones:

“Flee the very great storm {Zalê}, lest you be disabled in some way.”
Storm: surge, distress; disabled: hindered.
Don’t make a sea-voyage in bad weather. It is futile to fight the force of the ocean; likewise, bucking the inevitable will weaken you and hinder your progress. Avoid raging storms of any kind; save your energy for when it can be effective. Sometimes flight is wiser than fight.

Nature Spirits:

“Phoibos [Apollo] speaks plainly {Saphôs}, ‘Stay, friend.’”
Plainly: distinctly, certainly; stay: wait, stand fast, remain.
Neither advance nor retreat; wait or hold your ground, as appropriate; the best action is inaction. “Phoibos” refers to Apollo as Bright and Pure, which also characterizes His advice in this oracle.

Ancestors:

“There are no {Ou} crops to be reaped that were not sown.”
Crops: fruit-trees, corn-fields, crop-lands; reap: mow, cut off; sown: engendered, begotten, scattered.
What we spread about, comes back to us. What goes around comes around. You must plan ahead in order to achieve anything.

Persephone:

“The one passing on the left {Laios} bodes well for everything.”
Passing: going through; bodes: shows, indicates, gives a sign, signifies, declares; well: rightly, happily, fortunately.
Since the left is traditionally the sinister side, the oracle may mean that an apparently sinister thing or event may be a blessing in disguise. The left is also associated with the unconscious, lunar mind, and so unconscious processes or intuition may signal a favorable outcome. A promising sign comes from an unpromising quarter.

Interpretation:

Save your energy for when it is effective, stand your ground when appropriate and be careful not to sow that which you do not wish to reap. Appearances may be deceiving. Be aware that blessings may come in disguise.

I am planning an Underworld Journey tomorrow. I am going to go down and talk with Persephone. She and I have some stuff to sort through, most of which involves me not retaining the lessons she taught me last year. Hehe, I think I'm in trouble. Wish me luck, lol.

Be the banjo...

After the venting on my livejournal, as you can well imagine, I had more than a few conversations with some trusted friends in person (or online) that I found to be extremely helpful. I thought I would share the insights I have received and show you how smart my friends are. :)

I was told to suck it up and just jump back in there. Might not seem all that insightful to you, I understand, but sometimes, there is nothing more helpful than a good kick in the pants.

I talked it out with a friend who sometimes has similar feelings. We decided this: when you stand close to the fire, you sometimes get hot, and it causes you to step back. But, when you step back, the absence of heat is immediately noticeable. If I am feeling cold and disconnected, perhaps I should step once more closer to the fire (see above kick in the pants to suck it up and jump back in).

I talked with a couple of friends who told me I am high maintenance because I am a Bard (this is actually a positive commentary; hear it out). I give A LOT of myself, and often, and I need to be filled back up as a result. When I don't get filled up, I feel empty, and it is even more noticeable when the very people I expect to fill me up don't do it. So, I need to communicate that I need recharged, need my ego stroked. Um, this is not flattering, I know, but it is more accurate than I want it to be. Insightful little glimpse of the narcissistic side of myself I try not to invite to the fire, but Diva is as Diva does.

Finally, from one of my favorite people, I received this gem of information that has put it all into perspective: Instead of pouring yourself out to them, why not try to resonate with them.

Huh.

It was like the sound of one hand clapping; that thought you consider that sends you immediately into a deeper state. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am pushing and pushing and pushing, like an electric guitar with no amplifier. No matter how hard I strum the chords, only those closest to me will hear them, and it will be only a semblance of their potential. What I need to do is be the banjo. A banjo is a five string instrument. The strings are strung much like a guitar, but the body is made of a drum head. The thing that sets the banjo apart is the resonator ring. The Banjo has evolved over time to include this wooden and metal ring that amplifies the sound of the strings and projects it. It helps the banjo stay in tune, makes the single notes plucked more easily discernible and makes the chords ring out--loud, loud, loud.

Back in my Catholic days, I was a cantor. I stood up at the front of the congregation and lead call-and -response-type songs. It gave me a peaceful and beautifully reverent glow the rest of the day because my heart was truly happy doing it. I think that feeling is what I am looking for in the Grove. It worked in the Catholic setting because I stood in the center, struck a chord and with a wave of my hand, the entire congregation resonated with me. In the Grove, right now, all I am doing is strumming the Hel out of an unplugged electric guitar.

So, what the heck does this have to do with finding my place in the Grove? Everything and nothing. It has everything to do with me and nothing to do with anyone else. It is about finding the spot where my chords echo throughout my Grovemates. It is about finding those things within us all that will cause a sympathetic vibration--which will result in resonance. Most of all, it is about me. I need to stop wasting all my energy strumming in silence and let the instrument do the work for me.

Finally, the question of the day: If I am the banjo and my grovemates are the resonator ring, then what, pray-tell are the chords? Those, dear friends, are the sounds of Teutates, playing the strings of my heart.

Thanks, A.

Teutates and Autumn Equinox with the Cranes

I love my Grove. I really do. And I love our Grove's Patron. I really, really do.

I brought Timmy to the rite today, out of necessity. It was rooooooough, but a very dear Grove friend spent quite a bit of time helping with him. And Timmy absolutely loved her. Everyone was so nice and understanding of him. It made me realize why I wanted to be more than a congregant in this Grove in the first place. I've heard that for those with the patience and willingness to pay attention to a child with a disability that s/he will heal you. Boy, they must have been talking about my Timmy.

I missed most of the rite. Timmy plunked himself down almost where the Outdwellers offering was made (kinda fitting, actually), and I only made it over to the rite-proper during the portions I was doing. I was able to come forward to make my offering to Teutates. I took my jar of grain over to the Tree. I placed my hand on the tree, and I whispered a few sentences of thanks and praise to him for all he has done for me and for our Grove this year before I poured my offering. I spent a moment sending my intent to him, and my hand got warm and tingly on the tree. Then, I really felt him beside me, behind me, around me, telling me that I was welcome and letting me know that our offerings, all of them, were accepted in the wonderful spirit in which they were given. I was moved by his presence among us, and I was able to funnel this feeling into his song during the Waters. Shawn said it's the best I've played it yet. I even got Timmy to drink a little of the Waters. We burned the old wooden Garanus statue. It was a little sad, but theatrics once again saved me from an emotional outpouring. :) It was fun to read the Grove Poem, and I was feeling especially pleased with my performance when a hearing-impaired congregant told me she could hear me reading. (Yes, reading. It's long. I do have plans to begin memorizing.)

I wish I would have been able to socialize more, but Timmy was pretty over-stimulated by the end of the rite. It's hard sometimes. He is so quiet, even when he is upset, and sometimes people don't realize that he is having a hard time. I think that my distance in the social setting was understood, considering the circumstances.

Timmy stayed awake the whole way home, but he fell asleep on the floor about five minutes after Shawn and Lisa left. Hehe, me too.

In closing, I would like to appologize for being "angsty" and venting all of my emotions into my livejournal (again). You folks provide me with much insight and healing when I have thoughts weighing on my mind. Thank you for being open and continuing to read, regradless of my apparent negativity. Now that summer is over and my Underworld Goddess is going back to where she is accessible to me, things are looking up.

Oh, and The Ancestors of the Grove are back in their space in my living room. I am pretty excited about that, too.

Summerlands, 2009

Wow. Just, wow.

I know there were many folks who had drama and some rather negative moments at this festival, but I was fortunately unscathed in any of those situations and just generally absent when they happened by some chance of fate.

As such, I had what is probably the most glowing Summerlands experience possible. I met many new faces, reconnected with familiar faces, and spent the majority of my time in laughter and love.

I picked up AG on Wednesday night and ended up not getting out of Columbus until much later than anticipated on Thursday due to several pit stops and last minute shenanigans. Fortunately, this meant we arrived with enough time to set up camp before the Warriors Sumbel but missed the rain entirely. This was my first Warriors sumbel, and I must say that it was a good experience. Walking in en masse with the Cranekin made me feel a strong connection and sense of brotherhood (or, sisterhood, as it were). Many of the words spoken over the horn were touching and quite moving. I didn't hang at the drum circle long due to the crazy-early for a festival dawn ritual, that somebody decided we had to get up for on Friday morning. Oh, right, that was me. but while there, I did get a private dancing while I drummed. *heehee*

And I am glad that we did the dawn rite! It went very well. We had twenty-one participants, including me, and it was quite an energizing experience. We took the offerings and the water in the well down the hill to the Well and had a community bonding time down there. I felt very connected and generally happy as a result of the work we did that morning.

Bardic Night was not quite the way I had expected it to go. It was very hot and crowded in the hall, and the folk were particularly chatty, meaning that most of the acts were difficult to hear. When it was my turn to perform, I first made sure SMG was there for "Awen Rains Down" since she missed it at Wellspring. Then, like a silly person, I asked for requests, and about 15 Cranes yelled "Lunchlady!!!!" Well, when on stage, one must give her fans what they want, yes? So, I ended up doing a very smashing rendition of Lunchlady land in between two otherwise very serious songs (ended, of course, with "Teutates"). It was fabulously fun. I hear there is video. *blush*

I had a beautiful encounter with a wonderful man. A. and I talked for quite a while and shared much personal information. It was a bonding experience I shall not forget. There was a definite spark, but at this juncture, I am not sure what possibilities exist here. I guess time will tell, eh? If nothing else, this is likely the beginning of a really good friendship!

Drumming was not so existent since by the time I got up there, everyone was hammered. I lead a few rhythms, yay! But then, I was sober...+ a few sips of Bearman's Jameson. Had some serious discussion with some folks *hugs and love to JO* before taking the Bearman back to his tent at almost 5 am. This is why I camp next to you, love. So I have someone with whom to walk home. :)

Saturday, I had to go into town to take my DNA sequencing exam. Totally got an A. Woot! Made it back just in time for the Unity rite. Thankfully, it did not pour on us. When MJD called the Ancestors, I felt a breeze rush from behind us into the circle that sent chills down my spine. Having had the Ancestors box in my home has made me more in tune to their presence, and it gives me the drive to DIC something so I can have it back. Yay for Crane traditions that help us grow! Omens were interesting for me.

We performed a healing ritual for our Bearman that is one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. I will post about that in another post.

I had much conversation with SMG. *hugs* I always enjoy talking to you, and it never fails that I completely lose track of time when we are together! I miss you already, too (even though I have emailed you twice since we've been home, haha).

Emerald found me at the beginning of Roger Drawdy's concert and kidnapped me for bling. She wrapped me in a belly-dancing belt with lots of jinglies. :) That was fun. I didn't win any awards for stealth, though. I did, however, feel compelled to dance. What fun! I don't usually dance because, well, let's face it, I am not quite the best dancer. I have rhythm, yes, but coordination is not a strength. lol

After that came the drumming at the fire. We drummed and drummed and chanted and drummed some more. They even let me teach them the chant for creating sacred space I wrote to avoid the mention of silver while Ian and AJ drummed. I spent a good bit of time talking to AJ and now I want more percussion equipment and a didj. I know. I'll add them to the list. Went to take a nap at, like, 6:30 am before breaking camp (eventually).

I received quite a bit of much needed ego-boosting, of which I am still trying to make myself feel worthy. There is much that I am leaving out due to personal confidences and otherwise "Me-only" stuff, but suffice it to say I had many, many small and large conversations with JG, MJD, JA, TN, NE and MB, etc. And I spent a collection of combined hours interjecting the day with flirting, jokes and general optimism wherever I could muster it up. Wonderful, wonderful weekend. The best part? I came home to a happy Jeremy who was excited to see me and all ears for everything that I had to say. And for those of you who have had the privilege (privilege?) of talking with me in person who know how long-winded I can be, that is saying something.

I feel full. :)

Oak Leaves saves the day!

I apologized for yet again using my livejournal as a place to vent all the negativity in my life. I am grateful to have such an outlet and to know that at least one of you will read this, always an ear for a Druid with a heartache. I am striving, always striving for optimism. It's just such an uphill battle sometimes.

I have been having a really down several days. This always happens to me when I carry the weight of others during difficult times. Nothing is wrong in my life (except me ignoring the advances of my significant other, which I plan to make up for before I go camping), but I immediately send wards to those in need, regardless of the backlash to my personal life. It's draining. It puts my guard down and make me succumb to negative thoughts and influences.

And it adds up when the shite hits the fan for too many people at once. I have been so preoccupied with others' hurts and distresses that I didn't make the cake for my best friend (who does not have breast cancer!)'s birthday. She shrugged it off, apparently, but silly me felt compelled to ask her if I have changed last night over beer. (I hate beer. No I don't. How dare I say that!it's ) She answered by saying yes, I had. I never would have dreamed of missing a birthday cake (something for which I am known), but I didn't make one for her. You know, not a big deal; it's just a cake, she says, but I can see it is more.

I don't hurt people very often, and when I do, it almost consumes me. I have hurt three people this year. Empathy, though art not kind!

What prompted me asking her if I had changed? Well, the remarks of people close to me who have noted just that: this summer has changed me dramatically. J told me himself that many of the Cranes may feel they are meeting me again for the first time at Summerlands. Really, I asked him? Absolutely, he says. You are different. Not bad different, but stronger and more...well, different than you were.

I chose to take that as a compliment.

So, negativity has flowed through me, and it has almost consumed me. Depression was setting in, and then I got my Oak Leaves.

There is a several page spread about the Wellspring Bardic Chair competition, including pictures and even sheet music from my song. As I flipped through the pages, describing all that we accomplished at Wellspring this year and all the new beginnings that we initiated, I felt my chest swell with joy and happiness for the part, though small, that I am playing in all of this. I cried as I read, not because of the words on the page, but because of the words behind the pages, of the emotions expressed by those who wrote them, of the ideals they stand for and the part I play in them--and they play in my life.

Thanks, Oak Leaves, from a girl who has recently been through the ringer, for being a beacon of hope when the world makes you feel alone and unimportant. When everything seems against you, and you feel laid to waste, it is then that Awen Rains Down...

Preparing for Samhain

Yup. That's right.

As many of you know, I am usually pretty far ahead when it comes to liturgy. I have been asked (more like told) to prepare the Invocation to Hela, the DotO for the 3CG Samhain rite. Hela, for those of you who do not know, is the Norse Goddess of the Underworld. I must also say that although she has a tendency to be aloof with me, she is absolutely fabulous. I have some things I need to learn and sort out before she and I can work together at length, including trance techniques, but I have plans to do a Wild Hunt this winter with Anna. Hope I survive, haha. No, seriously. I must say that as intimidated as I was when it happened, I feel better about the looming journey since Sleipnir came to see me.

Anyway, today I got a flood of images and adjectives and ideas all at once and just started writing them down. It looks like this is going to work out well, even if it is a bit different (read scarier) than what I had originally planned. Change is usually good in these cases, yes? And scary is ok. It IS Samhain, after all.

Conversation with Idunna

Because it might make me feel better, and because I don't want to forget...

Last night, Idunna came to see me while I was driving to work. She does that sometimes. I think she likes the quiet in my van. She can be soft spoken, you know.

Idunna came to tell me to stop feeling guilty and worrying so much about things that are out of my control. I did a lot for a lot of people in the past year, and it is not my burden to bear when help is not taken in the manner in which it is given. You can't make people heal. You can't solve anyone's problems. I did my best with what I had and that is all that anyone can honestly expect from me. Yes, I have made mistakes, but don't wallow in them; learn from them.

I asked her why I am so sad, if I have done good works for others? I asked her why I feel so abandoned? I even had the nerve to ask her where yhey (the Gods) had been during all of this, and why it took them so long to do anything?

She paused and said, "42."

Why do all the Deities in my life think they are hilarious?

"Seriously," she said. 'Because just like help from humans, people do not always take what We give them."

"What about the children?"

"They have lessons and wisdom to gain from all of this. All things that happen to you can be used later for the benefit of others."

"That's not very comforting."

"Do you really want to know these answers?" --this is a trick question. Apparently, you are supposed to say, "no."

"We Gods, as you call us, find ourselves oftentimes waiting for you. Sometimes, we help without being asked because we are with you and will do our best to protect you. Sometimes, you didn't know you were in need of help. But sometimes, we help because we can see what needs to be done and are tired of waiting for you to ask. You ask why you feel abandoned. When was the last time to you came to me, or any of your other Gods? It's alright. I know you have been with Freyja. You needed to learn to fight. I think if you look, really look, you will see that more often than not, the thing holding you back is you."--ignoring this 2X4 for now.

"But those children--"

"Are with Frigga. Do you not trust her to care for them, no matter where they are? Is that not why you dedicated someone else's children to her." --Apparently, this is usually not cool.

"I...yes."

"You did everything you could think of in your power to help them. Let us do our part, as well."

"I have one more question, but you may not have the answer."

*raised eyebrow*

"Mannanan mac Lir came to help those children. Frigga practically told me she was taking them. Freyja stood beside me and gave me strength and endurance. You have brought me healing. Where are my Olympians?"

"You have said yourself that you sensed them moving further away from you. You have spent eight years with them, yes? Perhaps there are others from whom you need to learn right now. Besides, I think you know whom they are with right now. I hear you have taken up the amber?"

"Yes, funny you mention that. Is it always--"

"Yes. You'll get used to it in time. Not everyone can wear the amber, you know. I suspect you will have no problems."

"I'll do my best."

"Ok, now get to work. Stop worrying and stop wallowing in your over-active empathy. And come visit. You know what they say. An apple a day..."

And she was gone.

Ok, I do feel better. I have a lot to think about and a lot for which I should spend more time being grateful. I am not pleased with my recent trend towards giving in to negative emotions, but I have been so drained that I let my guard down. Hail Idunna for snapping me out of this!