Saturday, January 12, 2008

And your mother?

My mother and I were always close when I was younger, mostly because we are kindred spirits. We laugh at the same jokes, we like the same kinds of food, movies, music, you name it. I love my mother dearly.

Lately we have been estranged, and I think this is mostly because of the death of my father. It is just too painful for her to be around me. Not that we were spending a lot of time together anyway. Like I said in my last post, we have had, at most, a strained relationship over the past few years to say the least.

You see, my mother is extremely codependent. She is good at giving herself completely to a relationship, but she never holds anything back to keep her independence, and I don't think she wants to, anyway. One of the reasons her marriage to my father worked was because my mom almost always did whatever he wanted. She was very self-sacrificing. I would not say she was a martyr, because all of her actions were rooted in love for him. She really didn't complain much. Sometimes it would all be too much for her, and they would fight. But then, my dad would actually pull his weight for a while and she would feel better.

Oh, but they were in love. my parents had the kind of love I aspired to as a young adult. Now, the relationship I have with my husband is a reflection of the things I admired about my parents blended with the lessons I learned from watching their marriage evolve. I owe them a lot for the gift of unconditional love. It is a difficult thing to get and give, but it is so rewarding.

I miss the long talks we used to have on the phone, but we are both adults and have our own lives to live. I know that someday she will be ready to begin moving closer to me again, and my hope for the future is that she doesn't take so much time that she doesn't know who I am anymore by then.

There is a lot of my life she has missed out on: my children, my own evolution as an adult, and my evolution as a musician, among others. I know I could have made more of an effort to keep in touch with her, but the drugs and alcohol have had a very poor effect on my desire to call her. She doesn't work, and I have called and talked to her in any state of mind at every different time of the day. It is hard to say when she is sober and when she is not...or hungover, or has a migraine, or whatever. Honestly, sometimes I am just not feeling it. Also, she has moved in with a new guy since my dad passed, and I am not comfortable calling there. If he answers the phone... I just don't think I am ready for that.

Anyway, I love my mom, and I would love to rebuild my relationship with her, but until she is prepared to change a little, I am not ready to put as much energy as would be required into it. It is not a pretty truth, but it is what it is.

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