Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wow, How's that for unexpected results of shameless selfishness?

*Vague because it's not my place to say*

I made an "executive" decision a couple weeks ago that has been a catalyst for disaster tonight. I can't even tell you how much my heart hurts right now from the knowledge that I had a hand in this mess. Worse, I have tears in my eyes for watching these two people whom I love dearly go through this.

I make a lot of effort in my life to refrain for actions that will cause pain or heartache for other people, because I used to be so bad at this.

Once upon a time, I was young and spontaneous and full of vigor. I was thin and "villanous," and I knew it ("Villanous" is an inside joke). It was fun to be spontaneous! I had the freedom in my heart to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted! Except...

I had a bad habit of breaking dates with people, overscheduling, and cancelling plans. I was known just as much for my intensity as for my spontaneity, and I would spend my time with the focus of my intent while cancelling plans at my whimsy with everyone else. I also had a lot of "undiscovered polyamorous tendencies" that just lead to a stream of broken hearts in my wake. (I meant it when I said that if you guys had known me when, you wouldn't have liked me). Even with all of this, I had such a zest for life and a charismatic personality that people would reschedule for me. Every time. I made people feel better about themselves when I loved them. And they yeided to me. Man, I was such a bitch.

When I began working with Athena, she was like, "and you're done." I won't give you the entire run-down of all that, but I learned to exercise wisdom in decision making and to follow through with my word. Oh, there is so much more!

The relevant point is that I made myself learn to adhere to schedules, to always do what I said I would do, and to consider first and foremost the emotions of others before I made decisions. I was also heavily tempered by motherhood. I know I am still a work in progress, but I have come so far already. I can't wait to see where I am in five years from now.

Looking at this growth makes it hard to handle when I hurt someone. Even worse when it's more than one person. I suppose the positive aspect is that this, which used to be the norm, is a rareity. I apologize for my mistake. May forgiveness be sweet enough to equalize the bitter taste in my mouth.

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