Words to a song I wrote today.

In the midst of a crisis of faith, prayer is often the first to go, but this is exactly when you need to pray the most.

When I find myself alone again, and the world has got me down,
And no one cares about the hurts and heartaches that I’ve found.
I hear the call to enter into the realm my soul calls home,
To the place where all the gods and goddesses are free to roam.
I come before the Kindred with my brokenness and strife,
I pour my heart and soul into the story of my life.
I tell them all about the things I’ve done or I’ve ignored,
And sacrifice the gifts I bring in thanks, in praise, in joy.

And when I’ve finally laid myself to rest with tears upon my shrine,
I sit here where silence abounds,
And then Awen rains down.

Awen
Awen
Awen
Awen

When you’re feeling lonely, overworked or overjoyed.
The Kindred are awaiting you with knowledge to employ.
We are called to come into their presence and meet them in our hearts,
Offer up ourselves for all the gifts that they impart.
So when the whole world goes against you, and you feel laid to waste,
Meet your patrons, ancestors, and noble guides with haste.
Go to them, commune a while, and revel in their glow.
The most important gift they give is to know you’re not alone.

And after you've exchanged the gifts for gifts as we are called,
Take heart that all will soon circle ‘round
And then Awen rains down.

Awen
Awen
Awen
Awen

Putting yourself out there.

I have been a musician for most of my life. Correction, publicly I have been a cover musician for most of my life. I have written a few pieces, but very rarely have I shared them with others. I tend to pour myself into these pieces, and I have difficulties with pride (mostly) when it comes to sharing. So I don't. I don't play original music or post lyrics or poems. I find it easier to never share them than to be met with criticism. There are many psychological reasons for this, but mostly, I would rather not share at all then have someone tell me that what I created, what I gave life to, is bad.

Recently, I wrote a song, and I posted it. And only one person replied, who loved it. I still reread some of the words he said about my song as inspiration to share more of my work. Well, today I finally figured out how to make a recording, and I posted that, too, and either no one has bothered to listen to it, or no one likes it, or it is too mediocre to receive comment. Or any number of things that are going through my head right now. So someone, anyone on the Bards list, please listen to my song. It doesn't matter if you like it, just let me know you cared enough to listen.

I have learned today that silence is the worst criticism I can receive, because it opens me up to criticize myself...

On Spiritual Growth.

In a lot of ways, I still see myself as a budding young pagan, struggling to find her way through the trees. Then, I have an epiphany that reminds me how far I have truly come.

Something funny happened to me today during my devotional: I understood what the gods were telling me when I pulled my runes. I looked at them together, and I got it. I mean, I understood what they were saying AND what I am to do about it. This is a big deal for me, as I have had many troubles with interpretation over the past several months.

This weekend, I went though my divination journal and re-evaluated all of my omens for the past three months. On the suggestion of a friend, I took my three omens for each day and created a sentence (or two) that encompassed what the Kindred were saying to me. Unfortunately, hindsight showed me just how much of their words went unheeded on my part. There is one day in particular that clearly says: speak to the ancestors, which I, of course, did not.

I did not have to look up the runes I drew today, and of this I am very proud, for today I stopped drawing runes, and I started taking omens...

Does Polyamory make it difficult to make friends?

This is a question I have been trying to answer for several months now. After several failed attempts at friendship, I have determined the answer is, "yes."

I have always been blunt about who I am, what I believe, and what my intentions are with the people in my life. Recently, I have been trying to make friends with some people I met with similar beliefs, etc. Some of them are local, some of them are not, but it is proving quite difficult to become friends with other polys. I thought it would be nice to have people in my life with whom I can discuss the stresses and issues and emotions that are specific to the polyamorous lifestyle--people who would understand.

What do I think is the potential cause? Perhaps many of them do not have pure intentions when they make new friends, so find it hard to believe when I state as much--particularly since I am only currently involved in one relationship. Do all polys think I am looking for something more? Possibly. I typically do not have a hard time making friends, but it seems that when I meet another poly, the friendship never really develops. My life partner said that maybe I am so attractive that it is too distracting to be my friend. This is why he's my life partner. :)

Perhaps I come on too strong for them. I know that many of the polys I have met have a tendency toward mysterious that I do not share. Or maybe they just don't have time for new people in their lives, since they are in so many relationships in addition to the typical requirements of life as an adult.

How does it make me feel? Well, since polyamory implies that there is always the possibility that a relationship can evolve into more than a friendship over time, I fear that I am not attractive enough to entertain the possibility of a potential relationship in the future. I.E. if they are not attracted to me now or have no intentions of pursuing me romantically in the future, then there is no point in a friendship. I think this point of view makes me the most sad of all. A lot of really good friendships are being thrown away, or worse never started at all, because of sexual attraction. I think I am going to stop telling people about my orientation for a while and see what happens. I fear it will be hard to keep quiet since one of the first things that polys do is ask you if you are polyamorous, and I refuse to lie.

Whatever the cause, I am fortunate enough to have many friends who love me (not in that way) for who I am, and I plan on being friends with them for many, many years to come. Who needs new friends anyway?

I do... :(